Statue of Puberty

Baangd: kaisa hai
me: full fit

Baangd: had booze last nite
now listening to rock songs and radin the guru’s advice
reading*

me: abey
i was with u boozing last nite at Alap’s
waste

Baangd: i know, i was just saying so

For someone to be placed in the “…busier than a page 3 socialite…” category and to top it, have it published in a business paper, it takes quite some beating (or at least upto the point of having Income Tax professionals shun into their houses).

Yes quite right, I’m in the news folks. Priyanka Joshi (not related to Apoo) from Business Standard chatted up with me over the week (last) and put me in the tabloid.

BTW, the page 3 part had me doing flips. I was down and out with tummy cramps when I read the article. A bit of a history, the friend’s mom I was talking about there is Apoo’s mum, but she was more than nice to us during the time. It was Apoo au contraire who would bully us because of his size (huge kid).

I went home with a smile the day I saw the article …. well, here’s to small fame (and glorifying it on my blog) <- I was raising a toast to meself there in case you missed it (read: stupid)

http://www.business-standard.com/common/storypage_supp.php?autono=265172&leftnm=2&subLeft=0&chkFlg=Features

and

http://www.rediff.com/money/2006/nov/18spec1.htm

or just google me (how besharam can I get!)

For those of you who despise URLs ….

“With the release of the Sony PlayStation 3 (PS3), things can only get better,” exults another gamer, Abhijeet Kunder. For this 27-year-old, gaming began at “a friend’s house”. Kunder was 10 years old when he picked up his first console.

“There were days I used to be holed up at my friend’s place for hours playing console games.” It was only when his friend’s mother told them to get out and get a life that he realised that he was hooked on to games.

Working now with Hewitt Associates in Mumbai, Kunder’s off-hours are busier than a Page 3 socialite. “I run gaming communities, LAN groups and have seen a steady escalation in terms of participants and game penetration,” he says.

Technology has been our friend for a very long time now. Right from the time our Neanderthal friends started using the first of hand tools (which BTW, is pretty handy now, mostly used to scare pigeons that want to hump in your bedroom and on occasions to pelt away at your boss when he’s not watching), thru’ to the weapons age which carried a history of pain inciting methods and finally on to the computer age (and very soon perhaps the robotic age).

We invented the airplane a hundred years back. People could now travel the world (with a hole in their pocket) just for kicks, make business trips, flirt with stewardesses and on occasions drop bombs on unsuspecting countries.

A subsidiary of the above meant that people could travel to remote places of Africa and hump monkeys and just for fun hump humans immediately after traveling back. Humpsters that we are, HIV and a pleth of other monkey-hump-cycle-invoked diseases (which otherwise sat pretty inside the monkey) came out to travel in airplanes. In case you know the person responsible, and if he traveled by road, just for information … the motor car also stands as a technological aid. If he walked his way to another country, he was a loser anyway.

Speaking of motor cars, this again was a brilliant wheel merchant in the invention scale. To the numb, the motor car in principle started off with the basic principle of the wheel (which to me is the greatest invention). We now have the luxury of not just one wheel but millions of tiny revolving rivetty structures designed specifically to meet the needs of our daily commute. We can now not only run over innocent bystanders, but also make a mockery of property worth plenty and if we’re bored, shout at hapless commuters for being stupid.

The microwave ‘wave’ took the cookstorm world by surprise too. People could not only have their food ready instantaneously but also warm their undies for that special day feel.

Theater and Cinema followed closely by Television all gave us the entertainment that was promised. Who could have come up with innovative methods to execute people, derive innate pleasure with sadistic plots in soaps based upon an even more sadistic looking mother-in-law.

The internet marked a more recent technology wave. It has revolutionalized the way we seek information and gather courage to speak to a stranger without knowing rats ass (sometimes literal) about them. We could now stupefy our persona to a level not thought of earlier. Some of the other benefits include writing crap about anything and everything you want in the world and not giving a damn (as is the case now … also refer the links on the side for more crap).

Coming to the present … news is just in that a blind pair of mice have had their eyesight restored with the first of light-sensitive cell transplants. This quite obviously means that I still have hope, and in a hundred years, I’ll be able to enjoy the wonders of science (or robotic pornography over the internet as it exists then) just like the rest of you.

Two things in life stand out and are deemed important. Whiskey and Common Cold. For those of you who don’t have a clue as to what this means, drink whiskey and rub your nose against dust or someone’s live germ filled phlegm.

If you’re a chik and are back after a healthy puke, try reading the next few lines just for kicks, you’ll need to have a stomach full for more dwaaaak time.

Recipe to healthy Dwaaak (in case you haven’t graduated from kindergarten, dwaak is the sound effect that comes about when you’ve hit the sink or toilet seat head first):

I always wondered why the Chinese food we get in India tastes and seems for all known reasons like a mixture of poop and dry vomit. We haven’t come close to believing in it ourselves, but just coming down to have a closer look, the cornflour which binds most of the dishes made and called Chinese, alongside the gooey liquid (which often looks like a used finger bowl) couples up to look like a photosensitive version of light brown shit.

It’s strange how we like this food and especially so if we are to eat anything Chinese that starts with an ‘H’. Hunan gravy for example, is finger bowl and low carb, low salt, high volume pungency with a dash of aginomoto and traces of lemon. Of course the truth is that Hunan is nothing but vomit churned like curd with yeast. Any taste which remains is then excruciated out of the gravy and served hot just to make it presentable. It goes well with noodles, (but for once, use your hands and eat like a south Indian, I say)

I had a friend back in the old days (very ancient, we used to wear leaves then, I had cool bell-bottom banana leaves then) who used to eat a Chinese dish with chapathi. Now we’d call this “Indi-Cheenee bhai bhai” (vaguely translated, Indian Chinese brother brother) in the food(om) and pronounce the title upon him. This weird combination is the most healthy thing you can ever do to your Chinese food. The cleansing that the chapathi does is beyond known recognition qualms.

Coming back (and also, baring any social and racial discrimination), our Chinese food is actually Ghurkese (as coined by Pals our friendly neighbourhood saint). The Ghurkese are clever people, don’t be fooled (Note: The Ghurkese are Nepalis who own Chinese stalls). So yes, don’t be fooled by their innocence, they are very clever people these ‘ghurkese’ and they will make (or claim to make) Chinese food with food (and FDA approved edible items, duh), but serve you sweat (yes Nepali’s also sweat FYI, their proximity to India could be the plausible cause for them to be sweaty) and phlegm, mixed in gutter water and if you’re lucky, you’ll find ants in your soup too (as Farro did, back in non-Amar days). Yes, he ate ants in his soup and quite cleverly covered it up (pun very clearly intended).

Our office caterers, KRSH (name changed cleverly to avoid debarring, I can be smart at times see) have bhaiyas serving Chinese every Friday. Now if ever there’s a bad tummy that you need to push your lousy day at work to smirk with, is when you replace that Ghurkese food maker with a Bhaiyan to make a close controlled reel of Bhaikese food which by far will be the most amazingly ugly semi-edible named set of food items ever served. Yes, our office caterers are the best in ugly sweat and hair oil (chameli) food items. They specialize in serving your food with stones and hair (of which someone used to pelt at their neighbours glass, and also the same chameli oil drenched strand of hair).

I’ve assumed that the sinks and toilets have filled their quotas for the day …. which is where I will come to the point of saying that Whiskey and Common Cold are the best cure to ugly food (as discussed above). Simple pieces of reasoning here,

1) Whiskey cleanses everything
2) Common Cold makes sure you don’t have to smell it.

there you go, cheers and healthy eating……..

PS: Remember me next time you drowse your mouth into a pile of hunan (NOT to be mistaken with the point when you hit your head to the toilet seat)