Do It Yourself (DIY): “Skip your good friend’s wedding” tips

The following incident has true citation to all characters and names mentioned and all references to the same must be deemed as correct representation of events as they unfolded.

22:08
Dec 10, 2006
Nandanvan
Mumbai

Abhi: f*** man
Bird: cant
i am tired
Abhi: dimaag hurting
yea i wont either
Bird: my head & my body exist on different planes now
Abhi: hmm
Bird: if ranjit would’ve got the stuff yday, i think we would’ve died today
if this is what happens after booze
kya paani piya mein aaj
raanti ki tarah
Abhi: easily … our conversations wud be on .. during our journey to the otherside
wudav been interesting .. hopefully we wudnt have this ache there
Bird: yeps
do you know why i keep hearing “abhi to mein jawaan hoon” in my head?
Abhi: im not too sure .. must the same reason why i hear beedi
Bird: hmmm
atleast you get sunidhi chauhan
i get alisha chinoy, f*** i mustve had the worst of the daaru
i quit drinking as of now
no after goa i quit rinking
Bird: mask apna rape karne waala hai
Abhi: yea .. im sure it’ll be far more enjoyable than what we’re going thru now
Bird: & believe it or not, we both have the most valid reason of all for not going
i swear, mein baangd ko yehi bola…
if mask comes & stands witha shotgun to omy temple…
i’ll still puke on him
Abhi: yea well … this happens with us only i suppose
we’re the only two besharam nanguys who’ve always been on Bird Standard time and Abs Standard Time respectively
all our lives
Bird: i’ll tell mask that he decided to marry on the wrong day
Abhi: yea … and thats true too
Bird: the question is do we move to world standard time or do others move to our time?
Abhi: he couldav consulted us at least
Bird: yes
Abhi: its all his fault man
Bird: or kept his wedding at the bungalow at madh
Abhi: i think we can put the shotgun on his temple now
Bird: we’d have been there
sleeping but we’d be there
yes
Abhi: yea .. totally out of taste this .. mask … we’re gonna hunt u down for this
Bird: wrong timing & wrong venue
yes
we are
Bird: lets call mask home for this, i cant go out hunting
Abhi: yea man .. i’ll email him
u think he’d check his mail on his marriage nite?
Bird: my account is sometimes hacked by entities from other dimensions
depends
Abhi: im not sure where that came from? but if it makes u happy .. im happy for u
Bird: if his wife thinks keeping mask out on their first nite is romantic
Abhi: im not too sure mrs mask will think so
Bird: no thats was my excuse if mask ever decides to read our mail
Abhi: but if mask does … then we dont need to to shoot him afterall
Bird: she is mrs.mask
she is capapble of whatever mask is capable of
Abhi: excuse the missing dot
Bird: ok
Abhi: my head is not really on my neck today
Bird: hey mrs is a login id of my office colleague
we call him missus nowadays
Abhi: is he a she or a he?
Bird: we asked him that & he looked confused, checked his i card & confirmed that he is a he
Abhi: why does it sound like someone’s blowing a trumpet near my ear
Bird: does that mean he has posed naked for his i card foto?
its better than alisha chinay singing
sorry madam “chinoy”
Abhi: i agree .. anything is better than chinoy
Bird: she got angry & started to sing even more louder
yes, in the singing sense right
Abhi: alrite there’s gonna be two shotgun murders tonite ..
Bird: she does look attractive otherwise
or used to
we are going to commit suicides?
Abhi: careful there … u’r going the baangd way .. i think she’s 200 years old or something
Bird: if my body & my mind dies, does that mean i’ve killed 2 entities?
no man
she must be 45
Abhi: we wudnt want a second PILF hunter coming our way man
Bird: ok i am slowly becoming the baangd
Abhi: its difficult enuf handling one
Bird: yes sorry
Abhi: chal bhai ..
Bird: does alisha chinoy have a daughter then?
yo
Abhi: im off trying to neutralize my blood off IB+
Bird: gud nite
take an aspirin
Abhi: pray for me
Bird: you are going out?
Abhi: and we shall do the shooting tomorrow
Bird: dont bend
Abhi: my out for now is 2 mts across
Bird: world spins faster when the head nears the ground
Abhi: which pretty much is my length rite now
i will take that advice
Bird: plus dont look up either
Abhi: gud nite
Bird: it just proves that world really does spin that fast
Abhi: tootle .. blind man signing off
Bird: ok
Abhi: advice taken

—————— dab (dab) dab ——————


10:40
Dec 11, 2006
Mumbai
(Early next morning …….. over email ………)


Masku: I was a disappointed not to find any of of my chaddi-buddies at my reception. I’m not going to get married again.

Abhi: A hundred million apologies masku … we (bird and me) promise to make it up to you and smriti.
We had an emergency blackout which cannot be explained here and is still no excuse i’m sure ….. we will make it up to you bhai … clean dishes, wash clothes etc. anything you tell us to do except drink daaru again (that we cannot do).

Bird: Dear Mrs. Mask & Mr. Mask,

In addition to abs’ apologies, my million apologies to you & smriti, we are ashamed of our behaviour man, in fact i came to office wearing a plastic bag on my head to hide the criminal face. And like abs said, we’ll do whatever to make it up to you & smriti, i am good at polishing shoes btw & good with children, if in the future you need help with babysitting little masks.

I know that nothing that we do will put things right, but pls do understand & apne ko maaf kar de, if possible. Tu bole to we can plan a small get together when both adit & appoo are in town, have dinner someplace.

Now that you know i am shameless can you please send accross the leftover mithai & stuff?

Once again Congratulations to Mr. & Mrs. Mask, have a happy, peaceful & prosperous life together.

Warm Regards,
Bird
(989xx xxxxx), the population of irla bridge at peak hours)

PS: Dont get married again, we are running out of excuses.

—————— dab (dab) dab ——————

We love you Mask, and wish you and Smriti all the very best in your journey ahead. Be good to wifey and don’t pull your wise cracks and bore the crap outta Smriti. And Smriti, if you’re reading this, we’re gifting you a chaabuk (whip) to whack Masku if he shells out his tall tales.

Happy marriage celebrations once again …. and yes, don’t get married again

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