Statue of Puberty

Yea really, give it a thought man. There are times when the morbid swell hyperactive soul inside you jumps the gun and hits the ceiling. Dunno how much your head hurts man, but spare my ceiling the bump (also the floor when you decide to head back down)

Just yesterday, I met a dude who had power play poking into his new found love for pigeon food. And he was jumping up (barely touching ground … I wonder how he did that). And yes he embellished pigeon food. I didn’t even know pigeon food existed in retail man. I always thought pigeons ate peas, rice grains and junk (if you’re Bird). And now I know a dude who does the same (and apparently go bonkers over it). Chillax man … curb your enthusiasm.

In this land (of opportunity, XXL everything – from humans to inanimate objects, Hurricanes, Earthquakes etc.) it’s been this complete set of alter state expose for moi. To see the height of laziness that prevails here (or call it extreme enthusiasm over trivial matters), I’ll site some technological advances over many of the not so enthu countries world over.

• It’s common to find a toilet paper dispenser that operates on infra red. You put your hand around the dispenser and … Tadaa … we have paper rolling out man … Geniusss … But for that million dollar question … WHYYYY???. Will I break my tendons pulling that damn toilet paper mann? But hey, they thought of this first.
• Ahh and then there’s a small piece of machinery which, ok dig this …. OPENS Soda Cans. How difficult is that man? Some people think it’s rocket science though.
• There was a patent issued last year for a Light Bulb Changing device (yes … light bulb)
• It’s also common to find speed gun detecting machines in vehicles (although illegal in most states). These devices detect a policemen’s speed gun way before you reach its scope, and hence you have enough time to slow down to the speed limit. Now, the policemen here are not Pandus. They’ve come up with a damn device which detects these devices in the cars man. I don’t understand when and where this will end. The speed buggies will now invent a device which cloaks their device and then the police would find a way to find the cloaking device and thereafter the damn speed gun detector. Stop it man, you’re killing me here!!!
• Toilet Snorkel – This one rocks. Now what would you do if there’s a fire in your apartment and there’s smoke all around you and you’re waiting for the firemen to rescue you and are gasping for air with all the smoky fumes around you? Oh yea … go to your toilet and start breathing sewage air. There’s a small tube which is installed in your commode (comes out by the side of the toilet seat and is hooked on to the end of the sewage area which is typically used for sewage vent. And yes the idea is that, you’d rather breathe this filth than the toxic fumes. This one takes the pick man. You’re alive and your breath smells like shit. Also, if you don’t make it (let’s hope this never happens to anyone), seriously, what a way to go man.
• Toilet Landing Lights – For guys, have you ever had trouble aiming in the dark? Well look no further, say hello to the blue LED landing lights (with water reflectors) which lit up not just your spraying area, but also the spray itself when you have a go in the dark. (wowi … how thoughtful!!!)

You never know man, they might just make waterproof teabags very soon … grow up guys … and yea curb it!

Ahh well all this talk of toilet and technology makes me take a leak now. Now where’s that solar torch? Oh I forget … we have landing lights here.

PS: Bird, you want me to trash this bird food enthusiast? Tell me, I’m larger than him and I eat meat.

You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. – Plato

Says a lot doesn’t it?

Day in and day out, we ply at the helm of judging events and entities around us. We are judgmental to the classic point of hurting our fellow herdsmen, going on to break otherwise perfect relationships. And when the cloud clears over time, we realize that the effort and action was pointless.

We all have our flaws, our innumerable, (perhaps) countless chunks of imperfection. One of them is our astute ability to be-right ourselves. We often showcase our incandescent ability to think and act for ourselves (which is good, but comes) at the expense of the rest of the living world (or maybe some, who mean the world to us).

“I am right” It’s like we’ve been programmed to work towards this statement.

The ability to not think beyond our own perception and understanding is one of the primary reasons for relationships to fall and fail. And it’s not just the battle of opposite sexes (which we’re all subject to, or will do during our lifetime), but also the not-so-talked-about but nevertheless common associations we have with our friends, family and close acquaintances.

If ever there was a classic example to showcase on relationship breakers, we humans would stand in as the best of plausible exponents.

There’s a thin line between having an opinion and enforcing your belief. We seldom realize when and how we cross that line.

In a planet of barbarians and bizarre research habits by the barbarians (at the expense of innocent guinea pigs) we’ve taken basic levels of primate sacraments and thrown them into forms of financial edification …

The article
http://www.boingboing.net/2005/06/05/monkeys_taught_to_us.html essentially forms the basis of this post. For those who don’t like clicking on links (and or share “hyperlink-o-phobia” with some of my office mates), this article in effect tells us that researchers have successfully ventured into the primate psyche and effectively corrupted them with monetary knowledge/benefits.

In other words (in bold), Monkeys have been taught to use money

And now … lets put up the million $$ question (also in bold … but bigger … and naah .. i don’t do colors) …

WHY THE BLOODY ****????

To think of a few implications which might come about as a direct result of the work by these scientists (who BTW I think, have very little to do … but for that decent bout of funding)

So here goes:

a) New segments for monkey classified advts. will kick off in our local newspapers and magazines (with mandatory hints of Financial and PR benefits). [note: PR = Primate Resource]

• Manpower sourcing agencies and firms will start re-branding on Primate terminologies.
• World bodies and related standards bodies will commence readdressing the acronyms already in place.
• Systems all over the globe will rework on code and commence the system procedures for primate standards and processes.

b) We now have the option of sending our pet monkey to do our bargaining

c) As we get older and sulkier, we can blame all the economic ills in the country to the addition of primates into shareholder positions.

d) Estate rates will not be affected (at least in Mumbai)

e) Lumber may cost more (we’ll have to pay monkeys a premium for cutting down their houses and eventually give them concrete homes)

f) Estate rates will still not be affected

g) Monkeys will aim to hold top financial positions and will start applying for CA exams [and come good before Bird (ouch) … sorry Bird … but I had to put this you lazy oaf]

h) A new ip addressing unit/prototype (Ipv-primate1) will enable monkeys to host websites with custom defined protocols.

• A select few will venture into Internet businesses.
• In no time we will have the first of many monkey billionaires (with ventures like Primart.com, eBaboon.com, EmpireState.com (Amazon.com has been annexed by us, it’s only natural for them to return that act).

i) Estate rates … yes … you guessed it

j) And no more funny comments on Mariah Carey, Altaf Raja and our all time favorite, Bappi da

Add some more to this list … we might just face this scenario in our lifetime

We’ll never know who’ll “not” sanction our next home, car, artillery distribution centre loan

(or well … maybe not!!)

I “did a boo-boo” today/yesterday.

I feel guilty, ashamed and again … guilty as charged … and again … ashamed … sob

Story goes like this:
A very innocent member of the Testing/QA department mailed us this old school spam [Divya Singh's husband suffering from NON-SMALL CELL LUNG CANCER thingy] to the entire IT department (which included all our bosses). I stepped into action like an eagle (metaphorical nonsensical statement from a blind oaf), to point out that this was an old chain mail (and before I conveniently forget, I should mention that I used the “Reply All” button).

And that action (ALT+S) has been playing on me since forever. I come in today to see our Big Boss’ mail, blowing heavy scoldings to the entire IT team. The innocent Test Analyst (name hidden to prevent further damage) got big time bashing from his own boss too. Although I did apologise to him personally, I can’t help but feel for him and too for all of us. And all this, for that hasty bit of “ALT+S’ing”.

Somebody help me … sob

Failure for Puberty

un-freakin-believable

Silence Of The Sorcerers Stone – Hannibal Lector eats Harry Potter.

Matrix Vs. Terminator in Terminator: Revolutions - The war is on between the machines and the humans, and Neo must face up against a machine sent from the future to enslave humanity in a virtual-reality.

James Bond meets Erin Brokovich - The Spy Who Sued Me.

Forrest Gump v Scooby Doo - Dumb and Dumber.

The Odd Couple - starring C-3PO and the Terminator.

8 Green Mile - Will a wrongfully accused giant black man rap his way out of prison and intro the free life?

Kramer vs Kramer vs Godzilla - A custody battle goes horrible wrong when Dustin Hoffman is eaten by an enormous green mutant lizard – luckily, so is Meryl Streep.

BatWars - Batman goes into space to save the universe with Hans Solo and Batgirl. He finds out that the Riddler is his father and somehow we know that things have just started going down hill!

John Grisham’s remake of Titanic - A ship full of lawyers hits an iceberg and goes down in the middle of the sea. Can’t be all that bad, eh?

The 6th Spidey-Sense - After being bitten by a freak mutant spider, things only get worse for young Peter as he starts seeing dead spiders everywhere.

The Malcolm X-Files – Mouldy and Sulker are called upon to investigate a CIA conspiracy about black rights leaders from outer space.

Gump Fiction – Forest goes “midevil” on everyone’s ass! “Just you try and take a chocolate!”

Titanic:007 – James Bond tries to stop the Titanic from sinking. Does Leonardo keep the girl? Or does she fall for 007?

The toothbrush has been declared the most indispensable invention of modern times by a survey at MIT, according to this CNN article. The automobile came in second place, followed by the personal computer, the cell phone, and the microwave.

According to ADA spokesman Dr. Richard Price, “You can always update your car or a computer, but you just can’t update teeth.” He later added, “I don’t think many people will say dental floss is one of the great inventions of all time, but the toothbrush alone will not do the job.”

There is no word yet on whether Dell will introduce its own line of toothbrushes, but we think it’s only a matter of time.

— source CNN © —

Have you ever had the pleasure of spending your Valentine’s day in office for over 18 hours?

If yes, then welcome to the club, you bunch of LOSERS …

Sorry, I couldn’t really think of anything remotely satirical AND funny (but then, I never do)…

I’m rite now about five hours from that 18 hour mark … will try and entertain meself with Metallica, Nirvana et al

An excerpt from our not-so-weekly news channel ‘nanguys [at] yahoogroups’

Author
Aditya

ok, so i had earnestly told bird in december that if/when i come back for good to nandanvan, i’ll run for the secretary’s position (i was pissed off that kids arent allowed to play anywhere). yesterday i was chatting with bird, and i told him that the secretary has 2-4 years in his position before i come back and depose him.

bird then says that he’ll run for the secretary’s seat too (thus insulting the position of secretary). if any of the other nanguys will run for secretary in the future,
please let me know so i can make plans accordingly (read- make them sleep
with the fishes).

HAIL NANDANVAN!

- best, the senti nangaa

In reply …

Author
Apoorva aka popeye

Bird gets my vote. He is a true swadeshi…. I say Bird should be
secretary!! Right now! It can bring up some interesting scenarios tho

We need an opposition party. So if Bird is secy, Bakshi goes into opposition… like the repubs and democrats. Vice versa! Its an interesting scenario wrt who is in power. If its bird, who likes silence, he will bring a stop on shouting from the front to call people. Also he might allow happy & Wills factory to open a chain in the garage. Bakshi will oppose! While Bakshi will bring a stop on smoke and booze! Only Mangola allowed in Nandanvan. bird will oppose.

Actually we have many posts in the future up for grabs.

Abbs – Director of IT services – nandanvan (hopefully by 2030 we will have internet in all houses).

Tak: Take care of the finances. CA kab kaam main aayegaa?

Farro: Advertisements/PR which draw sponsors (such as cafe coffee day) & chicks (much wanted) into nandanvan.

Beamer & Mask: Nandanvan will have its own supply of man-made combustible gas for our cooking needs!

Pals: Security! And of course… Nandanvans spiritual preacher. Everyone has to chant some mantra and only then will they be allowed in walk in or out of the building by security!

Anna: Nandanvan DBA by day! Pimp by night. If Farro cant draw in chicks by the day, Anna will provide them by the night!

Me: ?

Suggestions anyone? Cant wait to hear them!

I thought there were more Nanguys…. did I miss out on anyone? I am growing old. Ok, enuff pakaoing.

Bird, go for the secy position right now I say…. the power of now!!!


In reply …

Author
Me

I vouch for Bird to be our zone’s next ‘Caarporater’. Our building’s too small and has far too non-tactical issues for bird to fritter away his ‘precious’ time. Else, my vote would be Adit (if no one else stands in).

One would also consider the following scenarios where each undersigned member of our cult decides to go swades (pronounced “swa ‘pause’ daysh”) and stands in for the secy. post in Nandanvan; the following marks out their years of experience and could help their future use of slogans.

Anna

Headup: Peace to all
Writeup: 20+ years of preaching goodwill and fathoming the essence of nandanvankind. He’s our man … He’s our Anna. Anna has been our anna-daata, our mother, our father, our god-sent saint. His powers are known only to the group though, and He often tries to hide His identity from the ‘others’ by showing a completely different Self. During troubled times, He runs away to His place of wisdom (we think under His bed) to pray to the wise ones and ask for forgiveness … for His friends have sinned. We’ve mistaken it to be acts of cowardice, but it is His power to forgive and make the gods do so too that really stands out (and often gets us out of trouble).
Slogan: Hail Anna (often compared with the mighty Gayatri Mantra)

Apoorva

Headup: I stand alone (Godsmack – OST Scorpion King) [note: there's very lil hair headup]
Writeup: Over 20 years of standing up to the likes of (late) Mr. Dsouza, Mrs. Dsouza, The Khandwaalas (a cult – specialized in areas of child-labour viz. – making lil’ kids fill buckets of water and assume that transport & logistics support comes free of cost, scaring not-so-innocent grownups by staring at them with evil eyes, wearing half-a-saree and running in and out of our building … amongst a host of other havoc habits), The Shahs (including our famous one-legged streaker) and lots more …
Slogan: He’s our uncontrollable weeny … stands up to everything … vote for our marcus erectus … vote for popeye

Dada

Headup: Deviant Art of Controllable Fission
Writeup: 20+ years of hardcore experience in the art of war, with unconventional weapons of mass destruction. But over the years, Dada has reached silent seas and he’s entirely devoted his time and effort on constructive usages of this (previously thought) uncontrollable power. As popeye mentioned, man made cooking gas is already in beta stages. Another wide area of research currently in progress although hush-hush for the ‘others’ is that of unlimited power supply. With this area of forte, Dada’s stand for the secy. could indeed prove to be a mighty one.
Slogan: The rifle itself has no moral stature, since it has no will of its own. Naturally, it may be used by evil men for evil purposes, but there are more good men than evil, and while the latter cannot be persuaded to the path of righteousness by propaganda, they can certainly be corrected by good men with rifles. (you can choose to replace ‘rifles’ with anything you wish)

Don’t forget to watch the rest of the gang (Bird, Adit, Farro, Mask, Tak, Pals) in our next show of “Nandanvan – Head of state” only on ‘nanguys [at] yahoogroups’.

Good to be back after a long ass work haul.

Promise to fill this area with truck loadsa daily crap …