Statue of Puberty

The following incident has true citation to all characters and names mentioned and all references to the same must be deemed as correct representation of events as they unfolded.

22:08
Dec 10, 2006
Nandanvan
Mumbai

Abhi: f*** man
Bird: cant
i am tired
Abhi: dimaag hurting
yea i wont either
Bird: my head & my body exist on different planes now
Abhi: hmm
Bird: if ranjit would’ve got the stuff yday, i think we would’ve died today
if this is what happens after booze
kya paani piya mein aaj
raanti ki tarah
Abhi: easily … our conversations wud be on .. during our journey to the otherside
wudav been interesting .. hopefully we wudnt have this ache there
Bird: yeps
do you know why i keep hearing “abhi to mein jawaan hoon” in my head?
Abhi: im not too sure .. must the same reason why i hear beedi
Bird: hmmm
atleast you get sunidhi chauhan
i get alisha chinoy, f*** i mustve had the worst of the daaru
i quit drinking as of now
no after goa i quit rinking
Bird: mask apna rape karne waala hai
Abhi: yea .. im sure it’ll be far more enjoyable than what we’re going thru now
Bird: & believe it or not, we both have the most valid reason of all for not going
i swear, mein baangd ko yehi bola…
if mask comes & stands witha shotgun to omy temple…
i’ll still puke on him
Abhi: yea well … this happens with us only i suppose
we’re the only two besharam nanguys who’ve always been on Bird Standard time and Abs Standard Time respectively
all our lives
Bird: i’ll tell mask that he decided to marry on the wrong day
Abhi: yea … and thats true too
Bird: the question is do we move to world standard time or do others move to our time?
Abhi: he couldav consulted us at least
Bird: yes
Abhi: its all his fault man
Bird: or kept his wedding at the bungalow at madh
Abhi: i think we can put the shotgun on his temple now
Bird: we’d have been there
sleeping but we’d be there
yes
Abhi: yea .. totally out of taste this .. mask … we’re gonna hunt u down for this
Bird: wrong timing & wrong venue
yes
we are
Bird: lets call mask home for this, i cant go out hunting
Abhi: yea man .. i’ll email him
u think he’d check his mail on his marriage nite?
Bird: my account is sometimes hacked by entities from other dimensions
depends
Abhi: im not sure where that came from? but if it makes u happy .. im happy for u
Bird: if his wife thinks keeping mask out on their first nite is romantic
Abhi: im not too sure mrs mask will think so
Bird: no thats was my excuse if mask ever decides to read our mail
Abhi: but if mask does … then we dont need to to shoot him afterall
Bird: she is mrs.mask
she is capapble of whatever mask is capable of
Abhi: excuse the missing dot
Bird: ok
Abhi: my head is not really on my neck today
Bird: hey mrs is a login id of my office colleague
we call him missus nowadays
Abhi: is he a she or a he?
Bird: we asked him that & he looked confused, checked his i card & confirmed that he is a he
Abhi: why does it sound like someone’s blowing a trumpet near my ear
Bird: does that mean he has posed naked for his i card foto?
its better than alisha chinay singing
sorry madam “chinoy”
Abhi: i agree .. anything is better than chinoy
Bird: she got angry & started to sing even more louder
yes, in the singing sense right
Abhi: alrite there’s gonna be two shotgun murders tonite ..
Bird: she does look attractive otherwise
or used to
we are going to commit suicides?
Abhi: careful there … u’r going the baangd way .. i think she’s 200 years old or something
Bird: if my body & my mind dies, does that mean i’ve killed 2 entities?
no man
she must be 45
Abhi: we wudnt want a second PILF hunter coming our way man
Bird: ok i am slowly becoming the baangd
Abhi: its difficult enuf handling one
Bird: yes sorry
Abhi: chal bhai ..
Bird: does alisha chinoy have a daughter then?
yo
Abhi: im off trying to neutralize my blood off IB+
Bird: gud nite
take an aspirin
Abhi: pray for me
Bird: you are going out?
Abhi: and we shall do the shooting tomorrow
Bird: dont bend
Abhi: my out for now is 2 mts across
Bird: world spins faster when the head nears the ground
Abhi: which pretty much is my length rite now
i will take that advice
Bird: plus dont look up either
Abhi: gud nite
Bird: it just proves that world really does spin that fast
Abhi: tootle .. blind man signing off
Bird: ok
Abhi: advice taken

10:40
Dec 11, 2006
Mumbai
(Early next morning …….. over email ………)

Masku: I was a disappointed not to find any of of my chaddi-buddies at my reception. I’m not going to get married again.

Abhi: A hundred million apologies masku … we (bird and me) promise to make it up to you and smriti.
We had an emergency blackout which cannot be explained here and is still no excuse i’m sure ….. we will make it up to you bhai … clean dishes, wash clothes etc. anything you tell us to do except drink daaru again (that we cannot do).

Bird: Dear Mrs. Mask & Mr. Mask,

In addition to abs’ apologies, my million apologies to you & smriti, we are ashamed of our behaviour man, in fact i came to office wearing a plastic bag on my head to hide the criminal face. And like abs said, we’ll do whatever to make it up to you & smriti, i am good at polishing shoes btw & good with children, if in the future you need help with babysitting little masks.

I know that nothing that we do will put things right, but pls do understand & apne ko maaf kar de, if possible. Tu bole to we can plan a small get together when both adit & appoo are in town, have dinner someplace.

Now that you know i am shameless can you please send accross the leftover mithai & stuff?

Once again Congratulations to Mr. & Mrs. Mask, have a happy, peaceful & prosperous life together.

Warm Regards,
Bird
(989xx xxxxx), the population of irla bridge at peak hours)

PS: Dont get married again, we are running out of excuses.

—————— dab (dab) dab ——————

We love you Mask, and wish you and Smriti all the very best in your journey ahead. Be good to wifey and don’t pull your wise cracks and bore the crap outta Smriti. And Smriti, if you’re reading this, we’re gifting you a chaabuk (whip) to whack Masku if he shells out his tall tales.

Happy marriage celebrations once again …. and yes, don’t get married again

Baangd: kaisa hai
me: full fit

Baangd: had booze last nite
now listening to rock songs and radin the guru’s advice
reading*

me: abey
i was with u boozing last nite at Alap’s
waste

Baangd: i know, i was just saying so

I’ve been accused of buying household items only to not use it enough (or at all – before this there was the portable vacuum cleaner, handy sewing machine amongst a large a list spanning 10 years), read on…

After a good deal of thought on buying a treadmill, I did buy one only to find myself not using it for all its worth. Contemplating the belief that I would indeed get those extra pounds off, the heavy task of assembling the darn thing by itself was a huge workout. Very conveniently I skipped the mill for a week (body ache post assembly was incredible, of course, that being the reason). A week later, dawned a new beginning. Yes, I stepped on the rotor of that 3HP mean machine. I walked, jogged and ran, pumped my heart beat to a max, burnt calories like i’d never done so before. It lasted whole of twenty minutes after which I decided to rest my weary legs (for a whole week). This cycle continued for a good 2 months (20 minutes of workout followed by a week of rest).

The end result … I’ve gained a decent deal of pounds post buying the treadmill, which on scale, is a difficult task to achieve, you’d expect that outta me, now won’t you (my mum thought so, and that’s the prophecy she made, makes her a genius, i think).
She’s contemplating beating me with a whip to get me thin now after her second failed attempt at pushing me into her yoga class. I would think the whip’s the right way, most of you would too.

(dab) dab (dab) ….

Last week, was the time I turned a year older (and dumber). This au contraire to the year that passed fell far short. Last year in Charlotte, Raj and gang took me to Hooters, which for obvious reasons I cannot forget. The pretties had me do ’stuff’ with balloons on top of a chair whilst they were ‘dancing’ around singing me a birthday duel.

This year was a drab, with ’stuffie’ noses and ‘dancing’ mercury dots. Yes, I fell ill just before my birthday (or bewdaday as apoo calls it). I did however meet the boys this time (missed them last time round, although I’m sure if they’d been in Hooters, I’d be the last person they’d want to wish). The drinks were on the house at CT (despite the size) and bird as usual got sloshed and began to blab about mortality. Bird was in pain that night, his wisdom tooth was coming off (or going off track, which pretty much sums up why we so affectionately call him Bird). Bangd (who earlier in the day called me up to hitch CT’s phone number, to apparently book the place for the evening??#$ … now that’s a first!) seemed to think otherwise and kept referring to Bird’s tooth as Beak. We requested Bangd to slap himself hard and sanity prevailed that night.

(dab) dab (dab) …

During our conversation with Bird, he mentioned some strange curtailed facts. He lectured us on how a certain mortality defacto struck him when he hit upon an old school snap. His exact words then were “I saw the picture and suddenly realized that we are all mortals” and also went on to add, “I don’t remember my childhood man, not a bit”. This time round we did think of throwing the convenient anti-amnesia punch-on-head (soft portion = chota dimaag) but fortunately for him, didn’t. Come to think of it (we do this a lot now), it’s true isn’t it? We remember so little of our childhood and very soon will remember only a tiny few incidents of the time we’re letting go today.
I drabbed back into my old albums to leech a few of my bacha snaps. These snaps are my own gift to me this birthday.

it always starts with a smile ….

then there are times ….

and a true classic …

… and yes Bird , i don’t remember these either …. “God, please install more memory in my next life”

Don’t think I have much to say now … maybe mum’s whip will make me run on the treadmill (or atleast out of the house).

“I have a shoe bite” essentially puts forth “I’ve bought new shoes and you better have a look”. It’s not quite the best of ways to have it broadcasted, I dare say. But certainly is one of the crude and dismantled ways of frolicking around your new shines.

I always wondered why the damn shoe bites you only on one leg. Its crazy, I’ve always had bites only directed to one of my feet, left or right, ankle or toe, front or back. It’s always just been one. Not that I’m complaining but hell yea, it would be fun to have both legs down with chronic pain (well not that bad).

The question here is, are the shoes (branded and f***** expensive shoes) poorly stitched/made with tasteless lack in symmetry and hence the bite? Or is it just me? I can see a hundred million fingers directed onward now.

Okay, so God (or my folks) had this planned. My feet (or parts of it, picked up conveniently) is non-symmetric. Why God? Why Mum/Dad?

Again … I need sleep … or maybe a band-aid

Picked a nail out of my shoe yesterday and took a few steps ahead to realize that it went right into my goddamn skin. Who put that nail there I pondered. Nobody answered. I walked on.

We stumble upon these nails all the time, some prick, some pack a punch, some ruin your shoe, while a few others just don’t hit you. What do you do when you realize it’s there? You pick them out and keep walking. For someone else to fall on? maybe not!

These hinges mean a rat’s ass in our daily being. They really do. They just don’t mean a thing. So what we’ve done out of ignorance is discount and reward ourselves into falsified justice. Makes sense? I’m sure it doesn’t

Then there comes a bunch of beings who like to take the matter to highest court in their living space and fight for their right (of nonsensical justice?). This nail shouldn’t have been on my path. What just happened to my living space? Who has polluted it so much that I have to bear the brunch? … All this for the nail in the shoe and perhaps the skin.

Which of these categories do we fall under? How do we measure the level of involvement (or ignorance) in the riding scales of these events? Are we standing up to our principles? Or are we standing up to what we think fall in our living circle? Or are we standing up to nothing at all?

How many times have you been given a blind ear? Things just don’t go your way. So how do you handle them? Put your foot down and ask for justice (or take it in your hand)? Or choose to walk a fresh path (perhaps rerun the same path)?

We seldom realize the follies in our journeys in life. We cannot differentiate between our have’s and our be’s. The concentric Circles of Influence and Concern. Fact and Story.

COC
- If only I had a boss who wasn’t such an ass
- I would have been happier with that extra piece of garlic bread

COI
- I can be wiser
- I can be a smart worker

Fact
- Rhea cannot swim
- I flunked my finals

Story
- Rhea thinks her dad hates her coz he threw her in the baby pool.
- My dad’s gonna kill me

For all the men and women in the building …

• GROW UP and smell the air around you. Life ain’t that hard. You define most of it. If you choose to live a life which is governed by misfalls and misdoings, then that’s how it will end up being.
• Once again, GROW UP and smell the air around you. If you choose to get worked up over a nail that bites you, the crazy wagon will keep running into you with a tossed bunker every single step of your life (increases exponentially with your level of involvement). Know that you are just not getting it right.
• I wish not to repeat this again, but seriously GROW UP. Know your fact from your story. We package everything and mess ourselves up with the wraps. We’ve never grown out of a story we’ve made on people, things and almost all the time, our own meager selves. Grow out of your Story and work at gaining and comprehending Reality and what-is.

We’re openly blinded to the undivided picture of life. Get a grip ladies & gentlemen …

… Keep walking

Apoo (low voice)

I almost gave up hope. There were so many times I questioned myself. I’ve made so many sacrifices but it’s all been worth it.

(beat)

There are millions and millions of mediocre people in the world Abhi. Isn’t it great that we aren’t one of them?
Abhi looks like he stopped breathing as he backs up in the store. Customers step between him and Apoo. Apoo becomes obscured and then blocked from view.

Out on the Street

Abhi emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.
Camera pulls back as he blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

Fade to black ………………………

Night M. Shyamalan made the stunning movie Sixth Sense and followed it up with another stunner (not many felt so though), Unbreakable. Unbreakable made its mark with a remarkable script. A script which was incredibly linear yet had unrivaled depth.

Unbreakable was about opposites. It was about the strongest and the weakest, black and white, yin and yang. The story brought out the simple fact about nature; the fact that it deals with opposites in just the same way as we inexplicably do so whilst comparing individuals, objects, art, work, skill and sometimes immeasurable entities. Yea, don’t deny it, we compare everything. Shyamalan took that simple fact and extended it to a unified basis (put them on either side of a two point scale balance) that everything exists in duality. Built a story around it. Put a weak man (a very weak man) and a strong man (a very strong man) and made a Miranda on a superhero/rapscallion.

Coming to the point of why this story comes on my blog years after the movie came out is the real question, isn’t it?

Well yea, the characters in the script-skit on top had Apoo playing Samuel L. Jackson’s character Elijah and me playing Bruce Willis’ character David Dunne. Although there’s no real way to measure opposites, some think we come pretty close to Elijah and David.

Scene: Paro, Alap and Abhi are sitting in the car parked next to the pavement opposite Sony Mony, Irla. Paro’s in the driving seat, Alap at the back and Abhi in the front next to Paro. Alap and Paro are lighting their cigarettes. Abhi’s window is up (closed).

Two brown English Cockers are walking by with their master on the pavement towards the car. One of the two dogs spots Abhi through the front windshield. The long droopy ears go up and the tail begins to wag. The dog starts to drag the master toward the car. It comes close the door and starts pawing at the door. Abhi pulls down the window. Dog’s still pawing. Abhi opens the door. Dog struggles to climb up (note: this breed has a low torso, like a Daschund), but tries all its might and comes and rests its long chin and two fore legs on Abhi’s lap. Dog then looks up at him with tilted face. Alap, Paro and Abhi all go gurly with “awee”. Alap cries out to Paro, “quick, take a snap”, but dog master pulls doggie away.

This incident’s just one of the very many incidents with dogs that I have come across in my life. They just go gaga over me for some reason. Every time I come home late from office (or from drink sessions or usually both), I get escorted by the street ruffian doggies, who otherwise thwart anybody and everybody under the sun (especially so if you’re a bhaiya and you drive a rickshaw). They jog and dance alongside me and accompany me all the way to our building main gate from the society entrance (sometimes right up to our wing entrance), and then just walk back to run after hapless bhaiyas. There have been instances with ferocious bloodthirsty canines rippling up around me and sobering down their teeth and claws to sit meekly by my feet. My visit to the US also had firang doggies skip a breath when they’d sniff/spot me. They’d run up to me and start drooling over visible skin portions. It’s just incredibly amazing to experience something in this super affection scale.

I won’t go into stories that describe Apoo’s misfalls on the other side of this scale balance, (we all know about them already). Is it fair to say that Apoo and me fall in this amassing scale of opposites?

If yes then Apoo, here’s a note for you. You don’t have to search for the opposite side of You and in the very process, destroy a lot of innocent beagles by fending them off to the hungriest of canines. Don’t do that, you know where I stay (bang opposite your door man).

PS: I also need your comic book collection (or wait, did I dhaap them already?)

This is the story, of a boy named Apoorva Joshi.
This boy played good fair cricket
Mastered the art of swing bowling when he was very young
Soon became the captain of Nandanvan Cricket Board
His passion and love for the sport bore no bounds

Apoo was a class apart
He wore his favourite chadds and hit the grounds
He made sure he gave everything to his team
Including his peculiar bowling style
(for the rest of the world to laugh, most would agree)
But it was cute nevertheless

So what was this famous style that carried words and sentences to mighty distances?
Why was it so special that every team in the block wanted to play with us?
(not because we lost so often, we’re sure)
Why was it that we had sugandi devi’s chillar pillar coming over to witness this wonder?
Why was it that audiences from across the border were onlookers for this wondrous nature’s yell?

Well hell yea … our boy Apoorva Joshi had the style …
His bowling style dictated amassing auras of chronic nature’s calls
Apoo would start with a normal run-up, pass the umpire and head towards the crease
And then would exhibit the most natural of stances a doggie would take when he’s gotta leak

Yes, Apoo does a doggie pee
He gets his leg up and pauses for a century
God knows why it stays for so long
Ah well, I figure it’s for me to blog on

There are no two words to describe this call
The batsman’s wondering where’s the ball
The keeper, his fielders are waiting so
But Apoo, well he won’t let go

God, there were times when we were playing underarm cricket and we thought Apoo would still get that leg up … We used to think we didn’t water the pitch enough and Apoo was showing his noble gestures.

His legs went up we thought he’d spray
But we knew one day he had to pray

I know this brings the same amount of joy and glee as any other Apoo bashing story.

But trust me … you had to be there … maybe we’ll make him bowl/spray for us again though.

An Ode to Apoo

Doggie: Worf …
Doggie: worf …
Doggie: rrowww brrrowww
Apoo: arrghhh …
Apoo: huff …
Apoo: huff …
Sound effects: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
Aunty 2: Sorry
Apoo: poink … (getting up and falling back down on butt)
Doggie: rrrowww … rrooowww …
Doggie: Karchhh .. arrrhhhg … broowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Apoo: huff …. Huff
(10 second silence)
Junta: moohahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Junta: bruhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Long long time ago, on the pavements of S.V Road, opposite Happy Restaurant next to macho age old mochi waala (Nandanvan’s family cobbler) and Spenta/Yankee Doodle (now Brrrista), we came upon this famed legend known to most brethren world over, Apoo and his fear for canines.

the story …

For reasons known only to a few, we were incredibly religious back in our teens. We religiously followed up on the practice of eating Prasad at the Hanuman Mandir (temple) every day after play. And this one day was no exception. This legendary misfortune to the one, came about as one of the most hilarious of live events in the amassing scale of our nanguys journals (the monkey incident was pre-planned … bakshi, pals and the monkey had ties … some say. And besides farro and me were hapless but unhurt victims there. Hence we may not deem them to be hilarious).

So we go for our rounds around the temple and the deity, finish with the same and proceed towards Prasad, pick, eat, wear our footwear and move towards home. This journey back home, which usually lasts about 10 mins of slow walking, took Apoo precisely 15 seconds of extreme scuttling.

Lets flash back to the set of events that unfolded … as was … no cookups … some may argue on the minor detailing going here … but the essence of the story remains, I say …

Scene: Bakshi and Anna (weird combination, I know) are leading the pack after a successful mission at the temple. A group of 7-8 lookhas almost walking in a bunch is what it looks like to the common man (not visually impaired). Bird is still hooked onto his recurring dream of jumping out of his balcony, I am busy beating up Pals, Farro’s combing his hair, Apoo is in the midst doing nothing (little did he know that he would be in the thick of things). Mask and Dada are as usual and contemplating defeating each other in carrom by gassing each other out. Sthalu is trying to help me beat Pals up, but instead is getting the brunt of the shelling from Pals’ recently acquired Taekwondo skills. There is a Fiat (Premiere Padmini) parked besides the macho age old mochi walla (important point).

This lady (Aunty 1) is walking her white Gujarati Pomeranian on that same road. And as innate and ordered chaos prevails, it spots Apoo not doing much (Anna and Bakshi are also not doing a great deal, but for some reason doggie chooses to spare them … and besides you can’t really picture them being at the receiving end by a doggie). And the dog charges at Apoo. Our jhund (group), almost as though planned to act, vaccumizes the space around Apoo with the primary intention of making the line of sight clear (assuming the doggie had already smelt his victim) for the doggie. The rest is history!!

It took us a whole week to stop cracking up on the issue (till we found someone else to crap on, I think).

The funny part now in pseudo code form:

1: Doggie smells Apoo
2: Apoo feels doggie’s presence
3: Group feels tension and expands to form a circle around Apoo
4: Doggie spots Apoo
5: Apoo spots doggie (and blood and gore and teeth and claws and other elements)
6: Doggie charges at Apoo
7: Apoo runs
8: Doggie wanna hurt Apoo
9: Apoo no wanna be hurt
10: Doggie lets loose of leash
11: Aunty 1 shouts “no doggie (use doggie name instead)”
12: Doggie no listen
13: Aunty 1 says “don’t run, he will bite”
14: Apoo: “yea rite … pant huff”
15: Doggie: “Worf … worf”
16. Group: “harhaharrr”
17: Apoo runs toward macho age old mochi walla (on the pavement)
18. Aunty 2 in Fiat opens door to step out of car
19: Apoo hits car door
20: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
21. Doggie still wanna hurt Apoo
22. Apoo still don’t wanna be hurt by doggie
23. Aunty 2: “sorry”
24: Apoo gets up faster than anything/one has ever done so
25: Doggie no empathize
26: Doggie almost rips into Apoo
27: Apoo runs across cars and traffic, reaches Vishnu Baug gate and disappears
28: Doggie punches paws on ground
29: Group still on floor laughing off each other’s asses
30: Doggie comes back to owner and starts the walk all over again.
31: No sign of Apoo for 2 days
32: Group still on floor, 7 days from the date of the event

My gift to Apoo before I left Charlotte (although this doesn’t look anywhere close to what that Gujju doggie looked like)

Why this gift (note: the doggie here is doing pee-pee) was apt for Apoo is a different story altogether … I’ll only post the same if Apoo permits me to do so.

There is never a dearth of overly enthusiastic hyperactive souls in and around our lives. We all have one or two in our offices, schools, colleges, (in Apoo’s case, his Gym and a lot of other places too I’m sure). We seldom have problems with these people. They bring out elements of fun and godly energy in all their endeavors (fruitful or not) and that reflects upon the people they’re with. We’re a happy bunch with these people (well almost always anyways).

And then again there has to be a flip side to this behavior coin with these other few, who despite being as hyperactive as the ones I mentioned above go way beyond the qualms of stupefying their behavior to undefined extremities.

Yes let’s talk about a few of these kinds today!!

The kind I’m referring-to, are distinctively disliked (not hated, but disliked) by all known humans (including their own kind). They have this knack of worrying for all the wrong reasons and what’s more, they charge and enforce the same upon the innocent few around them. The basis which govern their behavior could be as trivial as spotting a small black ant or a house-fly strolling on or around their desks. For all the money’s worth they will, through their divine derivations conclude that the world will end in approximately 21 hours. Yess believe it!! I know one such being (well thank god its just one).

This dude, lets call him X, is the epitome of blemish skits world over. He is directly affected by everything under the sun. Trust me on this when I say EVERYTHING, I most certainly mean it. X’s path is crossed by a black cat and he will worry for himself and the cat. He will march thru’ the history behind the cat’s birth, trace back to its fore-parents and draw conclusions with Darwinian evolution as to why their ecology permits this paraplegic calamity in the making (that of the cat crossing his path on that day). X is also amazingly skilled at making the other person believe that he/she (the person speaking with him) is severely flawed in all aspects of life and the best option for him/her and the living world is simply to not be in the living world. And he/she will select the best possible method to end his/her hideous lives. The stronger souls choose not to speak with him and only communicate thru’ a neutral medium (I usually play that part, although thankfully back home there’s my dear friend who’s burdened with that task right now, but is doing so fantastically well). A mighty lot have fallen into his trap already and its only time till they snap into suspended animation and ask the almighty for forgiveness. Life as a neutral isn’t as easy either. The pompous idiot will drain your living breathe even after a 5 minute conversation (usually it stands at five minutes of sustained brain drainer with 10 repeat sessions of the exact same demeanor crossing over your sad lives). This, is what X can do to you!!

On a milder count but surely a parallel to X, sometime last week, Rajesh told me about this lady (his old college mate’s wife) who came over to the city (in her first visit to the country). In this short period of 7 days, Rajesh, poor fella, had his terror/tormentor slider move way beyond the permitted scale calibration. So much for being a nice guy he says. Last night (or early morning today), at about 4 AM he gets a call from lady tormentor. If I could rephrase that, he gets a hell-raising, knuckle-binding shout from the other side of what was previously called his cell phone (now a disgruntled traitor, he calls it, that he threw off cursing his luck, breaking it into 5 non-fixable pieces of junk. He apparently also sprained his arm and neck in the effort). And what was this hullabaloo all about? Well lady tormentor was stuck in the Laundromat (at freaking 4 AM). First up, WTF was she doing there at that FOUR FREAKIN AM? Anyways, her reason for calling in was not cause she was stuck, but she wanted to know why she was stuck. And whether her usage of water and detergent made the locking of the doors eminent. She apparently called the Bell staff in the hotel asking them the same and got nozzled responses (what would you expect at 4 AM) Now to think that, is fine, but to make frantic calls to Rajesh and not asking for help but demanding for reasons behind the locking up and that too at 4 AM is … ahummm … Crazeeeeee?? Lady, its that time of the year again when check your marbles … yes … its about time sweetie… and for heavens sake … do your clothes at an earthly hour. And leave my good friend alone, he’s my only source to good bars around the city. And I don’t want him psyched out before I leave.

Apparently the rest of last week wasn’t too good either, with lady tormentor suggesting that Rajesh’s hair ought to be more superfluous than it currently was. This happened after 3 days of reconfirming with Rajesh of whether the phone service she just bought had free incoming and outgoing during weekends. She still calls him to confirm the same I’m told (he transferred his line to a new phone piece, he curses himself for doing that now). The name of the package BTW was Free Weekends.

Well anyways … coming back to X, news is he’s on a rampage back home coz the rains stopped without telling him why. He’s blaming his wife for the fact that his kids nails are growing faster than what he claims is the normal rate. I hope she’s a neutral (Neutrals are BTW the most patient of people on planet earth. You could also call them crazy, blind, deaf, dumb etc. as in my case)

Uncut news: Some unconfirmed reports are that he’s going around the city stopping vehicles on the road asking them for their PUC papers.

Watch out fellas. X might just break your day!!

This one’s a venting spell for the the great Ayrton Senna (Mclaren) who was leading the 1993 Japanese GP and was about to lap debutant Eddie Irvine (Jordan). Irvine was fighting for position with Damon Hill. Senna overtook Irvine first and slowed a little when no further overtaking was possible with Hill. In the mean time, Irvine (a backmarker, and a lap down on Senna) again overtakes Senna and duties a lot of stunts. Senna’s wild!!

Post race:
Senna’s sitting with Gerhard Berger sipping on to Schnapps when suddenly he decided to pay dutiful visit to the Jordan camp.

The following is a transcript of that now infamous event …

The scene: Irvine is in his cabin. Jordan’s manager, Rubens Barichello (Senna’s favorite BTW) and several others are present there. Ayrton Senna alongside the director of communications for McLaren and his team engineer walk into the room. Senna looks around for Irvine, but he seems to not recognize him. Irvine (as if knowing he’s come to visit him) raises his hand …

Irvine : Here!

Senna : What the **** do you think you were doing?
Irvine : I was racing!
Senna : You were racing? Do you know the rule that you’re supposed to let the leaders come by when you’re a back marker?
Irvine : If you were going fast enough, it was no problem.
Senna : I overtook you! And you went three times off the road in front of me, at the same place, like ****ing idiot, where there was oil. And you were throwing stones and all things in front of me for three laps. When I took you, you realised I was ahead of you. And when I came up behind Hill, because he was on slicks and in difficulties, you should have stayed behind me. You took a very big risk to put me out of the race.
Irvine : Where did I put you in any danger?
Senna : You didn’t put me in any danger?
Irvine : Did I touch you? Did I touch you once?
Senna : No, but you were that much from touching me, and I happened to be the ****ing leader. I HAPPENED TO BE THE ****ING LEADER!
Irvine : A miss is as good as a mile.
Senna : I tell you something. If you don’t behave properly in the next event, you can just rethink what you do. I can guarantee you that.
Irvine : The stewards said “No problem. Nothing was wrong.”
Senna : Yeah? You wait till Australia. You wait till Australia, when the stewards will talk to you. Then you tell me if they tell you this.
Irvine : Hey, I’m out there to do the best for me.
Senna : This is not correct. You want to do well. I understand, because I’ve been there I understand. But it’s very unprofessional. If you are a back marker, because you happen to be lapped …
Irvine : But I would have followed you if you’d overtaken Hill!
Senna : You should let the leader go by …
Irvine : I understand that fully!
Senna : … and not come by and do the things you did. You nearly hit Hill in front of me three times, because I saw, and I could of collected you and him as a result, and that’s not the way to do that.
Irvine : But I’m racing! I’m racing! You just happened to …
Senna : You’re not racing! You’re driving like a ****ing idiot. You’re not a racing driver, you’re a ****ing idiot!
Irvine: You talk, you talk. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Senna : I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Irvine : Yes. I was battling with Hill.
Senna : Really? Really? Just tell me one thing. Who is supposed to have the call? You, or the leader of the race who comes through to lap you?
Irvine : The leader of the race.
Senna : So what have you done?
Irvine : You, you were too slow, and I had to overtake you to try to get at Hill.
Senna : Really? How did I lap you if I was too slow?
Irvine : Rain. Because on slicks you were quicker than me, on wets you weren’t.
Senna : Really? Really? How did I come and overtake you on wets?
Irvine : Huh?
Senna : How come I overtook you on wets?
Irvine : I can’t remember that. I don’t actually remember the race.
Senna : Exactly. Because you are not competent enough to remember. That’s how it goes you know.
Irvine : Fair enough. Fair enough. That’s what you think.
Senna : You be careful guy.
Irvine : I will. I’ll watch out for you.
Senna : You’re gonna have problems not with me only, but with lots of other guys, also the FIA.
Irvine : Yeah?
Senna : You bet.
Irvine : Yeah? Good.
Senna : Yeah? It’s good to know that.
Irvine : See you out there.
Senna : It’s good to know that.
Irvine : See you out there …

Appearing to turn away Senna then turns back and hits Irvine with his left hand. The blow lands on the right side of Irvine’s head. Irvine loses his balance and falls off the table. Senna is still shouting as he is hustled towards the door.

Irvine yells “Insurance claim there!”
Senna (leaving) retorts “You got to learn to respect where you’re going wrong!”

And people say Schumi used to be rash?

Both are legends to me anyways … and after Kimi’s run yesterday … mannn … we have one more in the making …