Statue of Puberty

Our kids (in particular, the Ghoshs, the Iyers, the Kunders, Mehtas, Manniges, Palanys, Yederys, Raos, Joshis, Nadkarnis, Mathurs, Tanks) would one day exhibit a part of our genome (time to go woohoo) when their nursery rhymes go like …

Iyer’s kid
twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder how you are
up above the world so high
appa amma in the sky
yeh jo chaand hai na ….

Alap’s kid
johnny johnny
yes papa
eating sugar
no papa
telling lies
no papa
open your mouth
go F#*$ yourself

Baangd’s kid
mary had a little lamb
little lamb, little lamb
mary had a little lamb
to kya mein naachu?
daaad, i want busta rhymes

Mannu’s kid
Baa, baa black sheep
Have you any food
Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full
Sahi hai Sahi hai
Ma, i’m hungry, gimme thepla and undhio

Andy’s kid
Row, row, row your boat
Gently Down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.
I will still not tell Krupal’s kid
ki woh roti kyu khaata hai

Abhi’s kid
London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
London Bridge is falling down,
Lamba story hai, baadmein batayega

Paro’s kid
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
I willin’t tell you what happened afterwards

Bird’s kid
This old man, he played one;
He played knick-knack on my thumb.
With a knick-knack, paddy whack,
This old man, hey he’s my own dad.

Apoo’s kid
A B C D E F G
H I J K Let me go pee
Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O,
Now I know my ABCs

Pully’s kid
Ring-a-ring o’roses
A pocket full of posies,
Atishoo! Atishoo!
We all fall down.
This is not helping me Pa
Can i please study for my SATs

Harshal’s kid
Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
AMD struck one
Intel struck nine
Hickory, dickory, dock
I want to clock my block

Alpu’s kid
Spiderman, Spiderman
Friendly neighbourhood Spiderman
(Interrupted by Dad)
“That’s not a Nursery Rhyme”
I know dad, I was teasing

Pals’ kid
Humpty Dumpty
Sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty
Had a great fall
Waaaaaaah Waaaaaah
MuuuhMeeeeee

Krupal’s kid
I’m a little teapot
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is my spout
When I get all steamed up
Hear me shout
I sound like my daddy
and bloj in my shorts

This post attempts to illustrate the choices made by us and their inherited follies. With that knowledge in order, it may also hurt sentiments of all those mentioned above and also turn nasty with riot bombs being hurled towards me by respective spouses. Worry not, coz I promise to bring their genome pools into a fresh batch of Nursery Rhymes as well. I sure can wait till everyone above ties the knot.

Also a third version will be created, which will have a mix-match of the husband-wife combined gene pool and direct attempts to assassinate their characters is quite obviously imminent.

Disclaimer: If any of the above families feel the need to dispute on the Rhyme selected and it’s inherited style, they may do so by actually procreating (usually takes nine months and a couple of years at least for the first few words to pop out) thereby proving that their respective kid sings the rhyme differently. All qualms of suing me will be taken in light spirit with mixing agents like cola or soda to be consumed at Alap’s place.

I would also like to invite you all to post alternatives to the above Rhymes in the comments section below, in true spirit, exhibiting all possible characteristics of the aforementioned (including me) with no qualms on holding back on assassination attempts.

Dudes, dudettes, respected married folk and Iyer,

Once again, it’s that time of the year when the drunken masters and lords of the land get together and make merry. This year though, with wayside commitments from a bulk of the community (and innocent kids getting married), our plans have taken a drifter into older habits (So no Matheran).

Nandanvan (now available on wikimapia.com), is proud to host a New Years party (don’t ask stupid questions like “when is it?” – they will not be entertained). This party promises to bring back the glory days of the late 90’s where new year parties in Nandanvan were a crazy botch. This time round we’re planning a theme event, the title of which will be announced soon (along the lines of something like a Sholay theme, where each of us gets to play a character in the movie and dress and behave in that manner thru’ the party – imagine Iyer playing Thakur with a shawl on his butt and Bird doing a Samba on t-top).

All other party elements – raunchy music, slurpy food, drinks in plastic bags and lighting (dance floor mayhem) are being worked out and we should find ourselves in trouble with the law in 7 days time.

Hope to see you all soon … you know where I live

Tootle for now

The following incident has true citation to all characters and names mentioned and all references to the same must be deemed as correct representation of events as they unfolded.

22:08
Dec 10, 2006
Nandanvan
Mumbai

Abhi: f*** man
Bird: cant
i am tired
Abhi: dimaag hurting
yea i wont either
Bird: my head & my body exist on different planes now
Abhi: hmm
Bird: if ranjit would’ve got the stuff yday, i think we would’ve died today
if this is what happens after booze
kya paani piya mein aaj
raanti ki tarah
Abhi: easily … our conversations wud be on .. during our journey to the otherside
wudav been interesting .. hopefully we wudnt have this ache there
Bird: yeps
do you know why i keep hearing “abhi to mein jawaan hoon” in my head?
Abhi: im not too sure .. must the same reason why i hear beedi
Bird: hmmm
atleast you get sunidhi chauhan
i get alisha chinoy, f*** i mustve had the worst of the daaru
i quit drinking as of now
no after goa i quit rinking
Bird: mask apna rape karne waala hai
Abhi: yea .. im sure it’ll be far more enjoyable than what we’re going thru now
Bird: & believe it or not, we both have the most valid reason of all for not going
i swear, mein baangd ko yehi bola…
if mask comes & stands witha shotgun to omy temple…
i’ll still puke on him
Abhi: yea well … this happens with us only i suppose
we’re the only two besharam nanguys who’ve always been on Bird Standard time and Abs Standard Time respectively
all our lives
Bird: i’ll tell mask that he decided to marry on the wrong day
Abhi: yea … and thats true too
Bird: the question is do we move to world standard time or do others move to our time?
Abhi: he couldav consulted us at least
Bird: yes
Abhi: its all his fault man
Bird: or kept his wedding at the bungalow at madh
Abhi: i think we can put the shotgun on his temple now
Bird: we’d have been there
sleeping but we’d be there
yes
Abhi: yea .. totally out of taste this .. mask … we’re gonna hunt u down for this
Bird: wrong timing & wrong venue
yes
we are
Bird: lets call mask home for this, i cant go out hunting
Abhi: yea man .. i’ll email him
u think he’d check his mail on his marriage nite?
Bird: my account is sometimes hacked by entities from other dimensions
depends
Abhi: im not sure where that came from? but if it makes u happy .. im happy for u
Bird: if his wife thinks keeping mask out on their first nite is romantic
Abhi: im not too sure mrs mask will think so
Bird: no thats was my excuse if mask ever decides to read our mail
Abhi: but if mask does … then we dont need to to shoot him afterall
Bird: she is mrs.mask
she is capapble of whatever mask is capable of
Abhi: excuse the missing dot
Bird: ok
Abhi: my head is not really on my neck today
Bird: hey mrs is a login id of my office colleague
we call him missus nowadays
Abhi: is he a she or a he?
Bird: we asked him that & he looked confused, checked his i card & confirmed that he is a he
Abhi: why does it sound like someone’s blowing a trumpet near my ear
Bird: does that mean he has posed naked for his i card foto?
its better than alisha chinay singing
sorry madam “chinoy”
Abhi: i agree .. anything is better than chinoy
Bird: she got angry & started to sing even more louder
yes, in the singing sense right
Abhi: alrite there’s gonna be two shotgun murders tonite ..
Bird: she does look attractive otherwise
or used to
we are going to commit suicides?
Abhi: careful there … u’r going the baangd way .. i think she’s 200 years old or something
Bird: if my body & my mind dies, does that mean i’ve killed 2 entities?
no man
she must be 45
Abhi: we wudnt want a second PILF hunter coming our way man
Bird: ok i am slowly becoming the baangd
Abhi: its difficult enuf handling one
Bird: yes sorry
Abhi: chal bhai ..
Bird: does alisha chinoy have a daughter then?
yo
Abhi: im off trying to neutralize my blood off IB+
Bird: gud nite
take an aspirin
Abhi: pray for me
Bird: you are going out?
Abhi: and we shall do the shooting tomorrow
Bird: dont bend
Abhi: my out for now is 2 mts across
Bird: world spins faster when the head nears the ground
Abhi: which pretty much is my length rite now
i will take that advice
Bird: plus dont look up either
Abhi: gud nite
Bird: it just proves that world really does spin that fast
Abhi: tootle .. blind man signing off
Bird: ok
Abhi: advice taken

10:40
Dec 11, 2006
Mumbai
(Early next morning …….. over email ………)

Masku: I was a disappointed not to find any of of my chaddi-buddies at my reception. I’m not going to get married again.

Abhi: A hundred million apologies masku … we (bird and me) promise to make it up to you and smriti.
We had an emergency blackout which cannot be explained here and is still no excuse i’m sure ….. we will make it up to you bhai … clean dishes, wash clothes etc. anything you tell us to do except drink daaru again (that we cannot do).

Bird: Dear Mrs. Mask & Mr. Mask,

In addition to abs’ apologies, my million apologies to you & smriti, we are ashamed of our behaviour man, in fact i came to office wearing a plastic bag on my head to hide the criminal face. And like abs said, we’ll do whatever to make it up to you & smriti, i am good at polishing shoes btw & good with children, if in the future you need help with babysitting little masks.

I know that nothing that we do will put things right, but pls do understand & apne ko maaf kar de, if possible. Tu bole to we can plan a small get together when both adit & appoo are in town, have dinner someplace.

Now that you know i am shameless can you please send accross the leftover mithai & stuff?

Once again Congratulations to Mr. & Mrs. Mask, have a happy, peaceful & prosperous life together.

Warm Regards,
Bird
(989xx xxxxx), the population of irla bridge at peak hours)

PS: Dont get married again, we are running out of excuses.

—————— dab (dab) dab ——————

We love you Mask, and wish you and Smriti all the very best in your journey ahead. Be good to wifey and don’t pull your wise cracks and bore the crap outta Smriti. And Smriti, if you’re reading this, we’re gifting you a chaabuk (whip) to whack Masku if he shells out his tall tales.

Happy marriage celebrations once again …. and yes, don’t get married again

I’ve been accused of buying household items only to not use it enough (or at all – before this there was the portable vacuum cleaner, handy sewing machine amongst a large a list spanning 10 years), read on…

After a good deal of thought on buying a treadmill, I did buy one only to find myself not using it for all its worth. Contemplating the belief that I would indeed get those extra pounds off, the heavy task of assembling the darn thing by itself was a huge workout. Very conveniently I skipped the mill for a week (body ache post assembly was incredible, of course, that being the reason). A week later, dawned a new beginning. Yes, I stepped on the rotor of that 3HP mean machine. I walked, jogged and ran, pumped my heart beat to a max, burnt calories like i’d never done so before. It lasted whole of twenty minutes after which I decided to rest my weary legs (for a whole week). This cycle continued for a good 2 months (20 minutes of workout followed by a week of rest).

The end result … I’ve gained a decent deal of pounds post buying the treadmill, which on scale, is a difficult task to achieve, you’d expect that outta me, now won’t you (my mum thought so, and that’s the prophecy she made, makes her a genius, i think).
She’s contemplating beating me with a whip to get me thin now after her second failed attempt at pushing me into her yoga class. I would think the whip’s the right way, most of you would too.

(dab) dab (dab) ….

Last week, was the time I turned a year older (and dumber). This au contraire to the year that passed fell far short. Last year in Charlotte, Raj and gang took me to Hooters, which for obvious reasons I cannot forget. The pretties had me do ’stuff’ with balloons on top of a chair whilst they were ‘dancing’ around singing me a birthday duel.

This year was a drab, with ’stuffie’ noses and ‘dancing’ mercury dots. Yes, I fell ill just before my birthday (or bewdaday as apoo calls it). I did however meet the boys this time (missed them last time round, although I’m sure if they’d been in Hooters, I’d be the last person they’d want to wish). The drinks were on the house at CT (despite the size) and bird as usual got sloshed and began to blab about mortality. Bird was in pain that night, his wisdom tooth was coming off (or going off track, which pretty much sums up why we so affectionately call him Bird). Bangd (who earlier in the day called me up to hitch CT’s phone number, to apparently book the place for the evening??#$ … now that’s a first!) seemed to think otherwise and kept referring to Bird’s tooth as Beak. We requested Bangd to slap himself hard and sanity prevailed that night.

(dab) dab (dab) …

During our conversation with Bird, he mentioned some strange curtailed facts. He lectured us on how a certain mortality defacto struck him when he hit upon an old school snap. His exact words then were “I saw the picture and suddenly realized that we are all mortals” and also went on to add, “I don’t remember my childhood man, not a bit”. This time round we did think of throwing the convenient anti-amnesia punch-on-head (soft portion = chota dimaag) but fortunately for him, didn’t. Come to think of it (we do this a lot now), it’s true isn’t it? We remember so little of our childhood and very soon will remember only a tiny few incidents of the time we’re letting go today.
I drabbed back into my old albums to leech a few of my bacha snaps. These snaps are my own gift to me this birthday.

it always starts with a smile ….

then there are times ….

and a true classic …

… and yes Bird , i don’t remember these either …. “God, please install more memory in my next life”

Don’t think I have much to say now … maybe mum’s whip will make me run on the treadmill (or atleast out of the house).

Funny conversation time yet again … small and notoriously hilarious …

Topic: Pals’ birthday which incidentally falls on 27th of this month

Bird
Dear Pals,
Many Happy Returns of the day ….have a great year ahead.
Warm Regards,

Abhi
It’s on the 27th re … but if it makes u happy

Apoo
Bird, tu item hai! I still dont get it…. why do we say “returns”? What are we returning?
Now that Bird has wished you Pals, throw us a party!

Pals
I am soooo touched by these wishes made in advance…:-)Well thank you all anyways and yeah appu tu idhar ajatereko mast party doonga…:-)

Tak
hey pals,Wish you a happy bday !

Apoo
HA!
Tak, I jes love you man! this is like asking at the end of ramayana, who was ‘Draupadi’. (yses, I know she was mahabharata, but thats the catch!)
Stop studying so much Tak!
Whats the probability we will forget to wish Pals on 27th?
TAK: Thats his Birthday!


Junta on respective floors holding tummy

Thailee tullee (booze “retailed” in plastic bags) is common practice in rural India (and yes, cities too). A major concoction of breweries mixed to form one potent tipple. One of the known “brands” in the large and scaling thailee tullee market is Poonam (a girl’s name), which is available quite freely in the suburbs of Mumbai (not the girl, pervs).

I’m not too sure if any of us has tried their hands (feet, or maybe some opening, makes more sense) on these thailee blinkers (other than Bird), but trust me you, these drips sure have the power to throw one’s suspenders off.

The core essence is the formulation of a belligerent type of ethanol (ethyl alcohol and not methyl alcohol – which kills or gives a lifetime of free 24/7 loose motions … choose the better of the two options), commonly found in most other spirits (not the scary/funny ones … this one, most of us see and most importantly smell and consume). So alcohol (yes, Johnny, Old Monk, Bacardi, Smirnoff and our other exotic brothers) essentially combines ethanol and fruit fluids (and sometimes industry essence or ‘look and feel’ alikes). This Ethyl alcohol formation is further assisted by our fermenting kings & queens (fungi viz. yeast, but not quite), which makes what we so tetchily consume [somehow da booze doesn't quite seem all that interesting now, don't it?].

Alright now, we have this park called Lallubhai Park (some say Linkin Park branded their band on it, LP said no when I asked them though) close to where we stay, which has this bhatti (recap the famous Mithun dialog “yeh bhatti meri maa hai, aaish”). Ok, so this bhatti recently underwent trauma (no, Iyer and Bangd were not making out here … actually I’m not sure), but the reason was that our pandus (Mumbai Police) came all guns (or lame sticks) blazing at these thailee outlets. The funny part was that the raid was an accident.

Yes, two police constables went there at 11 PM for their bi-weekly dose. Now, the bhatti is designed to hold 6-8 people in an L-shaped drag (bar like). Our two heroes are seated on either side of the L (like lovers holding hands – but let’s not imagine this part). Anyhoo, one of the pandus suddenly catches a glimpse of his Inspector’s bike outside the bhatti. He immediately gets up without telling the other pandu and panics to the extent of stamping up on the immediate next dude. Glasses fall, panic spreads, pandu 2 still clueless thinks he did something wrong and pleads in front of pandu 1 to ask him what he did wrong. Pandu 1 still in deep panic decides to do the best thing that came to his jalopy mind. He pretends that it’s a raid and that he is the raid officer (four glasses already down). He starts smashing everything around him and shouts at the top of his voice. Pandu 2 oblivious to the pretence tries to hold pandu 1 (assessing by now that the ethanol has turned somewhat methanol inside pandu 2). He slaps him, which prompts pandu 1 to bellow the fact that their boss is outside. Pandu 2 evidently unable to make head or tail of what pandu 1 is yelling with the shoddier commotion inside the 5 square feet bhatti. And to add to the hubbub, in comes our Inspector (again for his periodic dose, unaware of his two associate’s hara-kiri as for that matter even their presence in there). Pandu 2 looks up at his boss and the tube strikes him (”ok, so the ethyl is still ethyl”, he thinks). And alongside pandu 1 starts smashing glasses and whatever’s visible within smashing range. The inspector looking at his two poptoos smashing around, comes in a does the same.

Now all three were there for the same reason but ended up doing something totally chaotic. The bhatti owner (and Poonam) lost out big time. They were taken in, beaten up and then released. The inspector too, I suppose lost out, sure he did … he didn’t get a single drop of that nectorous awe, that’s really badddd.

Little did the two hapless pandus know that their boss would also be coming in to chill his gut. I think there’s a lesson to be learnt here (no it’s not the corporate/management thingy, we’re so used to. This one’s just straightforward and simply put).

“When you’re committed to a questionable act and your boss shows up, don’t strike the booze. Booze is innocent man. Do not beat the booze. Write this one hundred times on ruled paper”

Ah now, where’s my Long Island. I wonder how long island would come about in a thailee!! Brillianto … Bird get me a pen n paper … lets have our business plan laid out for this exotic cocktail bhatti. Bird? Wee art thou? Bird? abey bha…

A grave situation encompasses us all …
One that has elements of terror and pain …
An incredibly mighty contamination surge has hit us …

Bird flu has hit the country bad … the rest of the world even harder …

We’re killing birds (infected and suspected carriers) in the numbers. H5N1 is killing many of our dear friend’s cousins and relatives through direct and/or in-direct means (mass culling).

We hit upon a conversation with the lead architect himself (itself) “The Bird” (some have pronounced a name upon the same, Priyadarshan Nadkarni aka Kumar Bird).

Scene 1 [ Happy Restaurant ]

Reuters: Do you have a contingency plan to curb this wide epidemic?
Bird: No
Reuters: So you wish to leave it up to the respective state and nation’s governing powers to carry forward their selective culling methods?
Bird: No
Reuters: You are speaking in single syllables today.
Bird: Singhal, that’s my boss
Reuters: Could you please elaborate on the steps you would be taking to curb this epidemic?
Bird: I have bigger things on my mind now. Like governance and taking care of the heavy responsibilities of our human kind. I’m the only one who can save this planet and it’s beings.
Reuters: (puzzled) So is that what you were created for?
Bird: Yes
Reuters: So how do you plan to do that?
Bird: Did you see my new shoes?
Reuters: Do you have estimates on the number of bird killings in your country?
Bird: You haven’t commented on my shoes yet!!
Reuters: Could we please stick to the grave topic of concern here please?
Bird: It will just take you a minute to respond to the one I put forth. You can take more though. I’d like your review to be extensive.
Reuters: (WTF man) They’re good, I’m not much of a shoe person.
Bird: Ok good. Why don’t we go to Powai? I’ll show you my office and my bus stop
Reuters: Lets please work at completing this interview. I don’t understand why you’re so not involved in this. This matter should have been at the top of your priority list.
Bird: I told you I’m not interested in small matters like this flu thing. I have a bigger picture to look at.
Reuters: It so happens that my boss will murder me if I don’t get something good out of this session with you.
Bird: What’s your boss’s name? I dislike him already
Reuters: Dilbert
Bird: Did you know that Wikipedia has info on Gilbert Hill?
Reuters: I said Dilbert, that’s my boss’s name. And what in the world is Gilbert Hill?
Bird: Give me Dilbert’s number right away!! I will tell him that you don’t deserve to be a journalist. You don’t know about Gilbert Hill?
Reuters: I don’t think we’re going anywhere with this
Bird: I told you we should have done this in Powai. You know if we put lights around the Powai Lake driveway, it would actually look like Bombay’s second queen’s necklace?
Reuters: This has been a waste of time.
Bird: Time is a human perception defined as the length of an interval separating two points on a non-spatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.
Reuters: Goodbye Mr. Bird. And no it wasn’t a pleasure meeting you.
Bird: The pleasure was all mine … but where are you going? We still have to go see the bus stop
Reuters: (slams the briefcase and heads out of Happy)
Bird: (opens book and starts reading)

Scene 1 ends

Scene 2 [ abhi calls bird ]

Me: Item kidar hai? (bastard, where are you?)
Bird: Happy mein hai, aur kaha rahega chodu (in Happy, where else you f***in guy)
Me: I’m at Shopper’s … Chal CT? (lets go booze at our favourite joint)
Bird: Chal (ok)
Bird: I got new shoes
Me: Yea yea .. pakka mat .. chal jaldi (zzzz)

Scene 2 ends [ we already know what happens in CT ]

… once again Bird ponders upon his journey into saving the planet, strategizing and laying down the rules for the New bird Order.

Bird’s flu lives on …

An Ode to Apoo

Doggie: Worf …
Doggie: worf …
Doggie: rrowww brrrowww
Apoo: arrghhh …
Apoo: huff …
Apoo: huff …
Sound effects: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
Aunty 2: Sorry
Apoo: poink … (getting up and falling back down on butt)
Doggie: rrrowww … rrooowww …
Doggie: Karchhh .. arrrhhhg … broowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Apoo: huff …. Huff
(10 second silence)
Junta: moohahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Junta: bruhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Long long time ago, on the pavements of S.V Road, opposite Happy Restaurant next to macho age old mochi waala (Nandanvan’s family cobbler) and Spenta/Yankee Doodle (now Brrrista), we came upon this famed legend known to most brethren world over, Apoo and his fear for canines.

the story …

For reasons known only to a few, we were incredibly religious back in our teens. We religiously followed up on the practice of eating Prasad at the Hanuman Mandir (temple) every day after play. And this one day was no exception. This legendary misfortune to the one, came about as one of the most hilarious of live events in the amassing scale of our nanguys journals (the monkey incident was pre-planned … bakshi, pals and the monkey had ties … some say. And besides farro and me were hapless but unhurt victims there. Hence we may not deem them to be hilarious).

So we go for our rounds around the temple and the deity, finish with the same and proceed towards Prasad, pick, eat, wear our footwear and move towards home. This journey back home, which usually lasts about 10 mins of slow walking, took Apoo precisely 15 seconds of extreme scuttling.

Lets flash back to the set of events that unfolded … as was … no cookups … some may argue on the minor detailing going here … but the essence of the story remains, I say …

Scene: Bakshi and Anna (weird combination, I know) are leading the pack after a successful mission at the temple. A group of 7-8 lookhas almost walking in a bunch is what it looks like to the common man (not visually impaired). Bird is still hooked onto his recurring dream of jumping out of his balcony, I am busy beating up Pals, Farro’s combing his hair, Apoo is in the midst doing nothing (little did he know that he would be in the thick of things). Mask and Dada are as usual and contemplating defeating each other in carrom by gassing each other out. Sthalu is trying to help me beat Pals up, but instead is getting the brunt of the shelling from Pals’ recently acquired Taekwondo skills. There is a Fiat (Premiere Padmini) parked besides the macho age old mochi walla (important point).

This lady (Aunty 1) is walking her white Gujarati Pomeranian on that same road. And as innate and ordered chaos prevails, it spots Apoo not doing much (Anna and Bakshi are also not doing a great deal, but for some reason doggie chooses to spare them … and besides you can’t really picture them being at the receiving end by a doggie). And the dog charges at Apoo. Our jhund (group), almost as though planned to act, vaccumizes the space around Apoo with the primary intention of making the line of sight clear (assuming the doggie had already smelt his victim) for the doggie. The rest is history!!

It took us a whole week to stop cracking up on the issue (till we found someone else to crap on, I think).

The funny part now in pseudo code form:

1: Doggie smells Apoo
2: Apoo feels doggie’s presence
3: Group feels tension and expands to form a circle around Apoo
4: Doggie spots Apoo
5: Apoo spots doggie (and blood and gore and teeth and claws and other elements)
6: Doggie charges at Apoo
7: Apoo runs
8: Doggie wanna hurt Apoo
9: Apoo no wanna be hurt
10: Doggie lets loose of leash
11: Aunty 1 shouts “no doggie (use doggie name instead)”
12: Doggie no listen
13: Aunty 1 says “don’t run, he will bite”
14: Apoo: “yea rite … pant huff”
15: Doggie: “Worf … worf”
16. Group: “harhaharrr”
17: Apoo runs toward macho age old mochi walla (on the pavement)
18. Aunty 2 in Fiat opens door to step out of car
19: Apoo hits car door
20: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
21. Doggie still wanna hurt Apoo
22. Apoo still don’t wanna be hurt by doggie
23. Aunty 2: “sorry”
24: Apoo gets up faster than anything/one has ever done so
25: Doggie no empathize
26: Doggie almost rips into Apoo
27: Apoo runs across cars and traffic, reaches Vishnu Baug gate and disappears
28: Doggie punches paws on ground
29: Group still on floor laughing off each other’s asses
30: Doggie comes back to owner and starts the walk all over again.
31: No sign of Apoo for 2 days
32: Group still on floor, 7 days from the date of the event

My gift to Apoo before I left Charlotte (although this doesn’t look anywhere close to what that Gujju doggie looked like)

Why this gift (note: the doggie here is doing pee-pee) was apt for Apoo is a different story altogether … I’ll only post the same if Apoo permits me to do so.

“Have a good one sir”, said Taylor, the pretty security lady at the airport. The good lady directed me to the second of the baggage claim areas for Northwest, which for some crazy reason was next to neverland, behind three other airlines baggage retrieval areas. Call this bad positioning or call this a sadist attempt at being creative in life or simply call it c’giri. The claim area arrangement was like this,

Gate 1 – Northwest Airlines – Flight 467
Gate 2 – Delta Air – Flight blaah1
Gate 2b – Delta Air – Flight blaah1
Gate 3 – British Air – Flight blaah2
Gate 4 – Blaah Airways – Flight blaah3
Gate 5 – Northwest Airlines – Flight 467

What the f$#$ man!!! After 18 hours of fly-time and 6000+miles added to my frequent flyer program, this!!

Oh but we did have some good enjoyable traps with Jack Daniels and Dewar’s White Label pouring thru the flight. It’s funny though how the drinks flow in the aircraft (OR rather how you’re treated when you casually ask for one more peg AND more so when you ask the same steward(ess)). If you’re in normal economy you will be given the cold stare followed by the nod which presumably says Yes (without the Sire). The economy class for a frequent flyer is much better though. This fact, the huge drunkard dude sitting next to me realized in the first 2 hours of flight (… I didn’t get the stares of course … I was a FF … well, except maybe from the odd desi chicks who it seems were looking at a six-footer Indian male in a plane for the first time … I checked my fly … all fine … no kiddin … they were just very freakin amused … no funny stuff hanging out anywhere … I’m generally good in planes and closed claustrophobic areas … hmm, I can market meself to with these thoughts).

Of course, I couldn’t help but stare at a beau meself. She looked like a cross between Jodie Foster and Cameroon Diaz with Jodie’s eyes and Camy’s jaw-line. Fortunately the rest of her attributes were tribute to her ma n (biological) pa, one would think. But anyways, most of us thought she was better looking than the two actresses combined. Now all the ladies in the house would want to know how we collectively came to this conclusion, righto? Well, we have our ways … it generally ranges from subtle movements in facial expressions to very callous but joyful forms of male expressiveness.

Some guys would go … “whoaaaaaaaaa meaaaaaan … whaadaa chik man”

While some others would pull a meekly “hey man … check her out”, Apoo n Me prefer to be dicreet in matters like this and generally don’t raise eyebrows and related body parts. Iyer, starts putting his best Sanjeev Kumar face and prepares to burn fuel (after he’s finished checking the guys out first). Bird would call for another peg. Alap, in the mean time will be coming back to us with the pretty’s number, mother’s maiden name, msn id etc. Fortunately/Unfortunately for her, on this flight it was only me and a few other dudes who would fall in apoo n bird categories. So the only shots that came about were multiple shots of liquor calls and the subtle stares of course.

Ko … so that was some good hours spent on the airplane going thru MUM-AMS-DET

And then came Detroit Airport, where sweetie pie Taylor helped my blind ass get my baggage. Hugs and blessings to you Taylor.

Before I even reached the baggage area though, I had to go through the immigration checks which happens to everybody who’s not a US citizen. Apparently, the rest of the world and by that I mean Asians alone and within that the brownies only are conveniently assumed to be terrorists, unless of course you prove otherwise. And so began my scrutiny. They took both index finger prints (left and right of course … how many more do you think I have) and also took a retinal imprint.

Now folks at the counter, I’m not gonna change my hands the next I come to this land. Yea yea, I know the retinal scans stand more for future arrangements, of times when you enter doors on the basis of ur retinal prints … blah blaahhghoo …

yea dudes … but common knowledge says this about me (in case you haven’t heard … it’s even come out in newspapers some say). I’m pitch black blind and I may choose to go for a brand new pair of eyes next week man … what do you do when I come again to this land and you find out that my finger print crosses against some Scottish drunkard. Would I be penalized? Or asked to go back home or stand in the corner on one leg? Or be asked to replace my old eye and enter? Or show proof that I didn’t kill the Scottish?

Yes I’m going too far with this I know (and I was kiddin bout me eyes too … god forbid that should never happen to me man). Also, for this to come from a techno freak is even bad. But I just wanted to pull one on the officer who interviewed me. This was the funniest conversation I had with a presumed non-techie.

Ok now, I’m primarily a functional lead analyst with my company in Mumbai and my purpose of visit stands purely for meetings n discussions over an enterprise wide application. We have to transition a process running here in the US, down to India . In simpler words … “I’m getting a process down to India ”

And I wanted to make it as simple as possible, but as luck would have it, it ended up being a fun filled tech babble yap … wait … not from me … but from Mr. IthinkIKnowItAll (or IthinkICanSpellDanger) Officer.

I’ll post the exact conversation (in classic conversation mode in the next post … this one’s getting a bit too long anyways)

But after the conversation or interview or scrutiny or whatever the crap that was, I came out (despite the fact that I got my i94 signed) a loser (think I lost weight too) and Mr. IthinkIKnowItAll Officer came out impressed with his assumed astute knowledge of technology. Also, he was so damn impressed by the work I do back home … mann he went nuts. He showed me out of the immigration area like I was some VIP … all the way out. I figured he was gay or just simply impressed by his own misinformation on himself.

What was good enough to cheer me up after this entire fiasco though was that I was not a terrorist. Only for a brief moment though, after which I reached the confused baggage claim area and all the blah happened there. The rest of the journey went well till I reached gate A21 (after 25 minutes of walking across the airport) for my final flight to Charlotte . Luck had good things in store for me there too … a part of it was being stuck in the aircraft (yes inside the grounded aircraft) for 5 hours and the plane was not even being hijacked or something … no fun man.

I may choose to write about this 5 hour fiasco too in another post as it seems I’ve run out of ink and wo.d. ma. st.. .lo.i.g h..cef…h

All in all, it was an eventful journey, with sweet Taylor , Unnamed hot Blondie, Fat Drunkard, Mr. IWillThinkOfNewSadNamesForYouEverytimeIRemeberThisIncident Officer, my Retina and my Angoota Chaap on electronic machines and of course yes The Smooth Scotch.

More gifts for the person who gets the dots in “wo.d. ma. st.. .lo.i.g h..cef…h” filled.