Statue of Puberty

Apoo (low voice)

I almost gave up hope. There were so many times I questioned myself. I’ve made so many sacrifices but it’s all been worth it.

(beat)

There are millions and millions of mediocre people in the world Abhi. Isn’t it great that we aren’t one of them?
Abhi looks like he stopped breathing as he backs up in the store. Customers step between him and Apoo. Apoo becomes obscured and then blocked from view.

Out on the Street

Abhi emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.
Camera pulls back as he blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

Fade to black ………………………

Night M. Shyamalan made the stunning movie Sixth Sense and followed it up with another stunner (not many felt so though), Unbreakable. Unbreakable made its mark with a remarkable script. A script which was incredibly linear yet had unrivaled depth.

Unbreakable was about opposites. It was about the strongest and the weakest, black and white, yin and yang. The story brought out the simple fact about nature; the fact that it deals with opposites in just the same way as we inexplicably do so whilst comparing individuals, objects, art, work, skill and sometimes immeasurable entities. Yea, don’t deny it, we compare everything. Shyamalan took that simple fact and extended it to a unified basis (put them on either side of a two point scale balance) that everything exists in duality. Built a story around it. Put a weak man (a very weak man) and a strong man (a very strong man) and made a Miranda on a superhero/rapscallion.

Coming to the point of why this story comes on my blog years after the movie came out is the real question, isn’t it?

Well yea, the characters in the script-skit on top had Apoo playing Samuel L. Jackson’s character Elijah and me playing Bruce Willis’ character David Dunne. Although there’s no real way to measure opposites, some think we come pretty close to Elijah and David.

Scene: Paro, Alap and Abhi are sitting in the car parked next to the pavement opposite Sony Mony, Irla. Paro’s in the driving seat, Alap at the back and Abhi in the front next to Paro. Alap and Paro are lighting their cigarettes. Abhi’s window is up (closed).

Two brown English Cockers are walking by with their master on the pavement towards the car. One of the two dogs spots Abhi through the front windshield. The long droopy ears go up and the tail begins to wag. The dog starts to drag the master toward the car. It comes close the door and starts pawing at the door. Abhi pulls down the window. Dog’s still pawing. Abhi opens the door. Dog struggles to climb up (note: this breed has a low torso, like a Daschund), but tries all its might and comes and rests its long chin and two fore legs on Abhi’s lap. Dog then looks up at him with tilted face. Alap, Paro and Abhi all go gurly with “awee”. Alap cries out to Paro, “quick, take a snap”, but dog master pulls doggie away.

This incident’s just one of the very many incidents with dogs that I have come across in my life. They just go gaga over me for some reason. Every time I come home late from office (or from drink sessions or usually both), I get escorted by the street ruffian doggies, who otherwise thwart anybody and everybody under the sun (especially so if you’re a bhaiya and you drive a rickshaw). They jog and dance alongside me and accompany me all the way to our building main gate from the society entrance (sometimes right up to our wing entrance), and then just walk back to run after hapless bhaiyas. There have been instances with ferocious bloodthirsty canines rippling up around me and sobering down their teeth and claws to sit meekly by my feet. My visit to the US also had firang doggies skip a breath when they’d sniff/spot me. They’d run up to me and start drooling over visible skin portions. It’s just incredibly amazing to experience something in this super affection scale.

I won’t go into stories that describe Apoo’s misfalls on the other side of this scale balance, (we all know about them already). Is it fair to say that Apoo and me fall in this amassing scale of opposites?

If yes then Apoo, here’s a note for you. You don’t have to search for the opposite side of You and in the very process, destroy a lot of innocent beagles by fending them off to the hungriest of canines. Don’t do that, you know where I stay (bang opposite your door man).

PS: I also need your comic book collection (or wait, did I dhaap them already?)

This is the story, of a boy named Apoorva Joshi.
This boy played good fair cricket
Mastered the art of swing bowling when he was very young
Soon became the captain of Nandanvan Cricket Board
His passion and love for the sport bore no bounds

Apoo was a class apart
He wore his favourite chadds and hit the grounds
He made sure he gave everything to his team
Including his peculiar bowling style
(for the rest of the world to laugh, most would agree)
But it was cute nevertheless

So what was this famous style that carried words and sentences to mighty distances?
Why was it so special that every team in the block wanted to play with us?
(not because we lost so often, we’re sure)
Why was it that we had sugandi devi’s chillar pillar coming over to witness this wonder?
Why was it that audiences from across the border were onlookers for this wondrous nature’s yell?

Well hell yea … our boy Apoorva Joshi had the style …
His bowling style dictated amassing auras of chronic nature’s calls
Apoo would start with a normal run-up, pass the umpire and head towards the crease
And then would exhibit the most natural of stances a doggie would take when he’s gotta leak

Yes, Apoo does a doggie pee
He gets his leg up and pauses for a century
God knows why it stays for so long
Ah well, I figure it’s for me to blog on

There are no two words to describe this call
The batsman’s wondering where’s the ball
The keeper, his fielders are waiting so
But Apoo, well he won’t let go

God, there were times when we were playing underarm cricket and we thought Apoo would still get that leg up … We used to think we didn’t water the pitch enough and Apoo was showing his noble gestures.

His legs went up we thought he’d spray
But we knew one day he had to pray

I know this brings the same amount of joy and glee as any other Apoo bashing story.

But trust me … you had to be there … maybe we’ll make him bowl/spray for us again though.

An Ode to Apoo

Doggie: Worf …
Doggie: worf …
Doggie: rrowww brrrowww
Apoo: arrghhh …
Apoo: huff …
Apoo: huff …
Sound effects: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
Aunty 2: Sorry
Apoo: poink … (getting up and falling back down on butt)
Doggie: rrrowww … rrooowww …
Doggie: Karchhh .. arrrhhhg … broowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Apoo: huff …. Huff
(10 second silence)
Junta: moohahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Junta: bruhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Long long time ago, on the pavements of S.V Road, opposite Happy Restaurant next to macho age old mochi waala (Nandanvan’s family cobbler) and Spenta/Yankee Doodle (now Brrrista), we came upon this famed legend known to most brethren world over, Apoo and his fear for canines.

the story …

For reasons known only to a few, we were incredibly religious back in our teens. We religiously followed up on the practice of eating Prasad at the Hanuman Mandir (temple) every day after play. And this one day was no exception. This legendary misfortune to the one, came about as one of the most hilarious of live events in the amassing scale of our nanguys journals (the monkey incident was pre-planned … bakshi, pals and the monkey had ties … some say. And besides farro and me were hapless but unhurt victims there. Hence we may not deem them to be hilarious).

So we go for our rounds around the temple and the deity, finish with the same and proceed towards Prasad, pick, eat, wear our footwear and move towards home. This journey back home, which usually lasts about 10 mins of slow walking, took Apoo precisely 15 seconds of extreme scuttling.

Lets flash back to the set of events that unfolded … as was … no cookups … some may argue on the minor detailing going here … but the essence of the story remains, I say …

Scene: Bakshi and Anna (weird combination, I know) are leading the pack after a successful mission at the temple. A group of 7-8 lookhas almost walking in a bunch is what it looks like to the common man (not visually impaired). Bird is still hooked onto his recurring dream of jumping out of his balcony, I am busy beating up Pals, Farro’s combing his hair, Apoo is in the midst doing nothing (little did he know that he would be in the thick of things). Mask and Dada are as usual and contemplating defeating each other in carrom by gassing each other out. Sthalu is trying to help me beat Pals up, but instead is getting the brunt of the shelling from Pals’ recently acquired Taekwondo skills. There is a Fiat (Premiere Padmini) parked besides the macho age old mochi walla (important point).

This lady (Aunty 1) is walking her white Gujarati Pomeranian on that same road. And as innate and ordered chaos prevails, it spots Apoo not doing much (Anna and Bakshi are also not doing a great deal, but for some reason doggie chooses to spare them … and besides you can’t really picture them being at the receiving end by a doggie). And the dog charges at Apoo. Our jhund (group), almost as though planned to act, vaccumizes the space around Apoo with the primary intention of making the line of sight clear (assuming the doggie had already smelt his victim) for the doggie. The rest is history!!

It took us a whole week to stop cracking up on the issue (till we found someone else to crap on, I think).

The funny part now in pseudo code form:

1: Doggie smells Apoo
2: Apoo feels doggie’s presence
3: Group feels tension and expands to form a circle around Apoo
4: Doggie spots Apoo
5: Apoo spots doggie (and blood and gore and teeth and claws and other elements)
6: Doggie charges at Apoo
7: Apoo runs
8: Doggie wanna hurt Apoo
9: Apoo no wanna be hurt
10: Doggie lets loose of leash
11: Aunty 1 shouts “no doggie (use doggie name instead)”
12: Doggie no listen
13: Aunty 1 says “don’t run, he will bite”
14: Apoo: “yea rite … pant huff”
15: Doggie: “Worf … worf”
16. Group: “harhaharrr”
17: Apoo runs toward macho age old mochi walla (on the pavement)
18. Aunty 2 in Fiat opens door to step out of car
19: Apoo hits car door
20: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
21. Doggie still wanna hurt Apoo
22. Apoo still don’t wanna be hurt by doggie
23. Aunty 2: “sorry”
24: Apoo gets up faster than anything/one has ever done so
25: Doggie no empathize
26: Doggie almost rips into Apoo
27: Apoo runs across cars and traffic, reaches Vishnu Baug gate and disappears
28: Doggie punches paws on ground
29: Group still on floor laughing off each other’s asses
30: Doggie comes back to owner and starts the walk all over again.
31: No sign of Apoo for 2 days
32: Group still on floor, 7 days from the date of the event

My gift to Apoo before I left Charlotte (although this doesn’t look anywhere close to what that Gujju doggie looked like)

Why this gift (note: the doggie here is doing pee-pee) was apt for Apoo is a different story altogether … I’ll only post the same if Apoo permits me to do so.