Statue of Puberty

An Ode to Apoo

Doggie: Worf …
Doggie: worf …
Doggie: rrowww brrrowww
Apoo: arrghhh …
Apoo: huff …
Apoo: huff …
Sound effects: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
Aunty 2: Sorry
Apoo: poink … (getting up and falling back down on butt)
Doggie: rrrowww … rrooowww …
Doggie: Karchhh .. arrrhhhg … broowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Apoo: huff …. Huff
(10 second silence)
Junta: moohahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Junta: bruhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Long long time ago, on the pavements of S.V Road, opposite Happy Restaurant next to macho age old mochi waala (Nandanvan’s family cobbler) and Spenta/Yankee Doodle (now Brrrista), we came upon this famed legend known to most brethren world over, Apoo and his fear for canines.

the story …

For reasons known only to a few, we were incredibly religious back in our teens. We religiously followed up on the practice of eating Prasad at the Hanuman Mandir (temple) every day after play. And this one day was no exception. This legendary misfortune to the one, came about as one of the most hilarious of live events in the amassing scale of our nanguys journals (the monkey incident was pre-planned … bakshi, pals and the monkey had ties … some say. And besides farro and me were hapless but unhurt victims there. Hence we may not deem them to be hilarious).

So we go for our rounds around the temple and the deity, finish with the same and proceed towards Prasad, pick, eat, wear our footwear and move towards home. This journey back home, which usually lasts about 10 mins of slow walking, took Apoo precisely 15 seconds of extreme scuttling.

Lets flash back to the set of events that unfolded … as was … no cookups … some may argue on the minor detailing going here … but the essence of the story remains, I say …

Scene: Bakshi and Anna (weird combination, I know) are leading the pack after a successful mission at the temple. A group of 7-8 lookhas almost walking in a bunch is what it looks like to the common man (not visually impaired). Bird is still hooked onto his recurring dream of jumping out of his balcony, I am busy beating up Pals, Farro’s combing his hair, Apoo is in the midst doing nothing (little did he know that he would be in the thick of things). Mask and Dada are as usual and contemplating defeating each other in carrom by gassing each other out. Sthalu is trying to help me beat Pals up, but instead is getting the brunt of the shelling from Pals’ recently acquired Taekwondo skills. There is a Fiat (Premiere Padmini) parked besides the macho age old mochi walla (important point).

This lady (Aunty 1) is walking her white Gujarati Pomeranian on that same road. And as innate and ordered chaos prevails, it spots Apoo not doing much (Anna and Bakshi are also not doing a great deal, but for some reason doggie chooses to spare them … and besides you can’t really picture them being at the receiving end by a doggie). And the dog charges at Apoo. Our jhund (group), almost as though planned to act, vaccumizes the space around Apoo with the primary intention of making the line of sight clear (assuming the doggie had already smelt his victim) for the doggie. The rest is history!!

It took us a whole week to stop cracking up on the issue (till we found someone else to crap on, I think).

The funny part now in pseudo code form:

1: Doggie smells Apoo
2: Apoo feels doggie’s presence
3: Group feels tension and expands to form a circle around Apoo
4: Doggie spots Apoo
5: Apoo spots doggie (and blood and gore and teeth and claws and other elements)
6: Doggie charges at Apoo
7: Apoo runs
8: Doggie wanna hurt Apoo
9: Apoo no wanna be hurt
10: Doggie lets loose of leash
11: Aunty 1 shouts “no doggie (use doggie name instead)”
12: Doggie no listen
13: Aunty 1 says “don’t run, he will bite”
14: Apoo: “yea rite … pant huff”
15: Doggie: “Worf … worf”
16. Group: “harhaharrr”
17: Apoo runs toward macho age old mochi walla (on the pavement)
18. Aunty 2 in Fiat opens door to step out of car
19: Apoo hits car door
20: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
21. Doggie still wanna hurt Apoo
22. Apoo still don’t wanna be hurt by doggie
23. Aunty 2: “sorry”
24: Apoo gets up faster than anything/one has ever done so
25: Doggie no empathize
26: Doggie almost rips into Apoo
27: Apoo runs across cars and traffic, reaches Vishnu Baug gate and disappears
28: Doggie punches paws on ground
29: Group still on floor laughing off each other’s asses
30: Doggie comes back to owner and starts the walk all over again.
31: No sign of Apoo for 2 days
32: Group still on floor, 7 days from the date of the event

My gift to Apoo before I left Charlotte (although this doesn’t look anywhere close to what that Gujju doggie looked like)

Why this gift (note: the doggie here is doing pee-pee) was apt for Apoo is a different story altogether … I’ll only post the same if Apoo permits me to do so.

There is never a dearth of overly enthusiastic hyperactive souls in and around our lives. We all have one or two in our offices, schools, colleges, (in Apoo’s case, his Gym and a lot of other places too I’m sure). We seldom have problems with these people. They bring out elements of fun and godly energy in all their endeavors (fruitful or not) and that reflects upon the people they’re with. We’re a happy bunch with these people (well almost always anyways).

And then again there has to be a flip side to this behavior coin with these other few, who despite being as hyperactive as the ones I mentioned above go way beyond the qualms of stupefying their behavior to undefined extremities.

Yes let’s talk about a few of these kinds today!!

The kind I’m referring-to, are distinctively disliked (not hated, but disliked) by all known humans (including their own kind). They have this knack of worrying for all the wrong reasons and what’s more, they charge and enforce the same upon the innocent few around them. The basis which govern their behavior could be as trivial as spotting a small black ant or a house-fly strolling on or around their desks. For all the money’s worth they will, through their divine derivations conclude that the world will end in approximately 21 hours. Yess believe it!! I know one such being (well thank god its just one).

This dude, lets call him X, is the epitome of blemish skits world over. He is directly affected by everything under the sun. Trust me on this when I say EVERYTHING, I most certainly mean it. X’s path is crossed by a black cat and he will worry for himself and the cat. He will march thru’ the history behind the cat’s birth, trace back to its fore-parents and draw conclusions with Darwinian evolution as to why their ecology permits this paraplegic calamity in the making (that of the cat crossing his path on that day). X is also amazingly skilled at making the other person believe that he/she (the person speaking with him) is severely flawed in all aspects of life and the best option for him/her and the living world is simply to not be in the living world. And he/she will select the best possible method to end his/her hideous lives. The stronger souls choose not to speak with him and only communicate thru’ a neutral medium (I usually play that part, although thankfully back home there’s my dear friend who’s burdened with that task right now, but is doing so fantastically well). A mighty lot have fallen into his trap already and its only time till they snap into suspended animation and ask the almighty for forgiveness. Life as a neutral isn’t as easy either. The pompous idiot will drain your living breathe even after a 5 minute conversation (usually it stands at five minutes of sustained brain drainer with 10 repeat sessions of the exact same demeanor crossing over your sad lives). This, is what X can do to you!!

On a milder count but surely a parallel to X, sometime last week, Rajesh told me about this lady (his old college mate’s wife) who came over to the city (in her first visit to the country). In this short period of 7 days, Rajesh, poor fella, had his terror/tormentor slider move way beyond the permitted scale calibration. So much for being a nice guy he says. Last night (or early morning today), at about 4 AM he gets a call from lady tormentor. If I could rephrase that, he gets a hell-raising, knuckle-binding shout from the other side of what was previously called his cell phone (now a disgruntled traitor, he calls it, that he threw off cursing his luck, breaking it into 5 non-fixable pieces of junk. He apparently also sprained his arm and neck in the effort). And what was this hullabaloo all about? Well lady tormentor was stuck in the Laundromat (at freaking 4 AM). First up, WTF was she doing there at that FOUR FREAKIN AM? Anyways, her reason for calling in was not cause she was stuck, but she wanted to know why she was stuck. And whether her usage of water and detergent made the locking of the doors eminent. She apparently called the Bell staff in the hotel asking them the same and got nozzled responses (what would you expect at 4 AM) Now to think that, is fine, but to make frantic calls to Rajesh and not asking for help but demanding for reasons behind the locking up and that too at 4 AM is … ahummm … Crazeeeeee?? Lady, its that time of the year again when check your marbles … yes … its about time sweetie… and for heavens sake … do your clothes at an earthly hour. And leave my good friend alone, he’s my only source to good bars around the city. And I don’t want him psyched out before I leave.

Apparently the rest of last week wasn’t too good either, with lady tormentor suggesting that Rajesh’s hair ought to be more superfluous than it currently was. This happened after 3 days of reconfirming with Rajesh of whether the phone service she just bought had free incoming and outgoing during weekends. She still calls him to confirm the same I’m told (he transferred his line to a new phone piece, he curses himself for doing that now). The name of the package BTW was Free Weekends.

Well anyways … coming back to X, news is he’s on a rampage back home coz the rains stopped without telling him why. He’s blaming his wife for the fact that his kids nails are growing faster than what he claims is the normal rate. I hope she’s a neutral (Neutrals are BTW the most patient of people on planet earth. You could also call them crazy, blind, deaf, dumb etc. as in my case)

Uncut news: Some unconfirmed reports are that he’s going around the city stopping vehicles on the road asking them for their PUC papers.

Watch out fellas. X might just break your day!!