Statue of Puberty

Actually not quite about cats and dogs … but read on …

Ever wondered why men (except Apoo) are inclined towards dogs more than women (note: men like women too, but we’ll talk about that a little later). Just the same, there are more women in this world that like cats more than dogs, compared with men (and no, I cannot tell you if they do like men the same way, that’s been a mystery for ages someone tells me).

Let’s try and probe this a wee bit, and to make things interesting lets map cats and dogs to their likes and dislikes, and around that, understand key areas which define their appeal.

The Truth (in bits):

• Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later
• You’re not a real person until a cat ignores you; you are not Apoorva Joshi if a dog ignores you.
• Cats must attack their master’s shoelaces when they are tying them; Dogs do the same when no one’s looking.
• Cats are quite good at domesticating humans; dogs are quite good at domesticating themselves.

So why is it that more women in this world prefer cats when all the qualities they need in a partner is so easily satisfied by dogs. Things like:

• Dogs listen
• Dogs don’t want to have sex (with humans)
• Dogs obey
• Dogs never say no to shopping
• Dogs listenDogs don’t watch sports (unless explicitly asked)

… And a ton of lopsided entries should ideally have put the doggie variety on their priority list.

We men don’t do a fraction of what’s mentioned above, that apart, the discussion point here is that cats are a tad better in the ignorance department (At least we lie our balls off whilst trying to evade a funny situation. Cats just don’t bother).

It all falls in place if we’d consider the hoop, that women albeit showing that burst of impatience on the outside, are a practicing lot on the patience scale within a secret society that engulfs us. They’re practicing the art of patience with the best in the business (and no, we men are not quite there).

Note: There are women-kind (?) who do like dogs (viz. Mahi). But these could be discarded ignornants and lazers who don’t have the big picture (or were intended to be men, but nature toyed with them).

So, what do we have here? A gender clan trying to romp up scales of power? Yes men, beware of this growing degree of women who’re training themselves to rule this world and us.

We’re no less than dogs to them, and it’s about time we step up and growl, swell and show our fangs.

(see, this is why I grow my nails)

A grave situation encompasses us all …
One that has elements of terror and pain …
An incredibly mighty contamination surge has hit us …

Bird flu has hit the country bad … the rest of the world even harder …

We’re killing birds (infected and suspected carriers) in the numbers. H5N1 is killing many of our dear friend’s cousins and relatives through direct and/or in-direct means (mass culling).

We hit upon a conversation with the lead architect himself (itself) “The Bird” (some have pronounced a name upon the same, Priyadarshan Nadkarni aka Kumar Bird).

Scene 1 [ Happy Restaurant ]

Reuters: Do you have a contingency plan to curb this wide epidemic?
Bird: No
Reuters: So you wish to leave it up to the respective state and nation’s governing powers to carry forward their selective culling methods?
Bird: No
Reuters: You are speaking in single syllables today.
Bird: Singhal, that’s my boss
Reuters: Could you please elaborate on the steps you would be taking to curb this epidemic?
Bird: I have bigger things on my mind now. Like governance and taking care of the heavy responsibilities of our human kind. I’m the only one who can save this planet and it’s beings.
Reuters: (puzzled) So is that what you were created for?
Bird: Yes
Reuters: So how do you plan to do that?
Bird: Did you see my new shoes?
Reuters: Do you have estimates on the number of bird killings in your country?
Bird: You haven’t commented on my shoes yet!!
Reuters: Could we please stick to the grave topic of concern here please?
Bird: It will just take you a minute to respond to the one I put forth. You can take more though. I’d like your review to be extensive.
Reuters: (WTF man) They’re good, I’m not much of a shoe person.
Bird: Ok good. Why don’t we go to Powai? I’ll show you my office and my bus stop
Reuters: Lets please work at completing this interview. I don’t understand why you’re so not involved in this. This matter should have been at the top of your priority list.
Bird: I told you I’m not interested in small matters like this flu thing. I have a bigger picture to look at.
Reuters: It so happens that my boss will murder me if I don’t get something good out of this session with you.
Bird: What’s your boss’s name? I dislike him already
Reuters: Dilbert
Bird: Did you know that Wikipedia has info on Gilbert Hill?
Reuters: I said Dilbert, that’s my boss’s name. And what in the world is Gilbert Hill?
Bird: Give me Dilbert’s number right away!! I will tell him that you don’t deserve to be a journalist. You don’t know about Gilbert Hill?
Reuters: I don’t think we’re going anywhere with this
Bird: I told you we should have done this in Powai. You know if we put lights around the Powai Lake driveway, it would actually look like Bombay’s second queen’s necklace?
Reuters: This has been a waste of time.
Bird: Time is a human perception defined as the length of an interval separating two points on a non-spatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.
Reuters: Goodbye Mr. Bird. And no it wasn’t a pleasure meeting you.
Bird: The pleasure was all mine … but where are you going? We still have to go see the bus stop
Reuters: (slams the briefcase and heads out of Happy)
Bird: (opens book and starts reading)

Scene 1 ends

Scene 2 [ abhi calls bird ]

Me: Item kidar hai? (bastard, where are you?)
Bird: Happy mein hai, aur kaha rahega chodu (in Happy, where else you f***in guy)
Me: I’m at Shopper’s … Chal CT? (lets go booze at our favourite joint)
Bird: Chal (ok)
Bird: I got new shoes
Me: Yea yea .. pakka mat .. chal jaldi (zzzz)

Scene 2 ends [ we already know what happens in CT ]

… once again Bird ponders upon his journey into saving the planet, strategizing and laying down the rules for the New bird Order.

Bird’s flu lives on …

An Ode to Apoo

Doggie: Worf …
Doggie: worf …
Doggie: rrowww brrrowww
Apoo: arrghhh …
Apoo: huff …
Apoo: huff …
Sound effects: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
Aunty 2: Sorry
Apoo: poink … (getting up and falling back down on butt)
Doggie: rrrowww … rrooowww …
Doggie: Karchhh .. arrrhhhg … broowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Apoo: huff …. Huff
(10 second silence)
Junta: moohahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Junta: bruhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Long long time ago, on the pavements of S.V Road, opposite Happy Restaurant next to macho age old mochi waala (Nandanvan’s family cobbler) and Spenta/Yankee Doodle (now Brrrista), we came upon this famed legend known to most brethren world over, Apoo and his fear for canines.

the story …

For reasons known only to a few, we were incredibly religious back in our teens. We religiously followed up on the practice of eating Prasad at the Hanuman Mandir (temple) every day after play. And this one day was no exception. This legendary misfortune to the one, came about as one of the most hilarious of live events in the amassing scale of our nanguys journals (the monkey incident was pre-planned … bakshi, pals and the monkey had ties … some say. And besides farro and me were hapless but unhurt victims there. Hence we may not deem them to be hilarious).

So we go for our rounds around the temple and the deity, finish with the same and proceed towards Prasad, pick, eat, wear our footwear and move towards home. This journey back home, which usually lasts about 10 mins of slow walking, took Apoo precisely 15 seconds of extreme scuttling.

Lets flash back to the set of events that unfolded … as was … no cookups … some may argue on the minor detailing going here … but the essence of the story remains, I say …

Scene: Bakshi and Anna (weird combination, I know) are leading the pack after a successful mission at the temple. A group of 7-8 lookhas almost walking in a bunch is what it looks like to the common man (not visually impaired). Bird is still hooked onto his recurring dream of jumping out of his balcony, I am busy beating up Pals, Farro’s combing his hair, Apoo is in the midst doing nothing (little did he know that he would be in the thick of things). Mask and Dada are as usual and contemplating defeating each other in carrom by gassing each other out. Sthalu is trying to help me beat Pals up, but instead is getting the brunt of the shelling from Pals’ recently acquired Taekwondo skills. There is a Fiat (Premiere Padmini) parked besides the macho age old mochi walla (important point).

This lady (Aunty 1) is walking her white Gujarati Pomeranian on that same road. And as innate and ordered chaos prevails, it spots Apoo not doing much (Anna and Bakshi are also not doing a great deal, but for some reason doggie chooses to spare them … and besides you can’t really picture them being at the receiving end by a doggie). And the dog charges at Apoo. Our jhund (group), almost as though planned to act, vaccumizes the space around Apoo with the primary intention of making the line of sight clear (assuming the doggie had already smelt his victim) for the doggie. The rest is history!!

It took us a whole week to stop cracking up on the issue (till we found someone else to crap on, I think).

The funny part now in pseudo code form:

1: Doggie smells Apoo
2: Apoo feels doggie’s presence
3: Group feels tension and expands to form a circle around Apoo
4: Doggie spots Apoo
5: Apoo spots doggie (and blood and gore and teeth and claws and other elements)
6: Doggie charges at Apoo
7: Apoo runs
8: Doggie wanna hurt Apoo
9: Apoo no wanna be hurt
10: Doggie lets loose of leash
11: Aunty 1 shouts “no doggie (use doggie name instead)”
12: Doggie no listen
13: Aunty 1 says “don’t run, he will bite”
14: Apoo: “yea rite … pant huff”
15: Doggie: “Worf … worf”
16. Group: “harhaharrr”
17: Apoo runs toward macho age old mochi walla (on the pavement)
18. Aunty 2 in Fiat opens door to step out of car
19: Apoo hits car door
20: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
21. Doggie still wanna hurt Apoo
22. Apoo still don’t wanna be hurt by doggie
23. Aunty 2: “sorry”
24: Apoo gets up faster than anything/one has ever done so
25: Doggie no empathize
26: Doggie almost rips into Apoo
27: Apoo runs across cars and traffic, reaches Vishnu Baug gate and disappears
28: Doggie punches paws on ground
29: Group still on floor laughing off each other’s asses
30: Doggie comes back to owner and starts the walk all over again.
31: No sign of Apoo for 2 days
32: Group still on floor, 7 days from the date of the event

My gift to Apoo before I left Charlotte (although this doesn’t look anywhere close to what that Gujju doggie looked like)

Why this gift (note: the doggie here is doing pee-pee) was apt for Apoo is a different story altogether … I’ll only post the same if Apoo permits me to do so.