Statue of Puberty

The following incident has true citation to all characters and names mentioned and all references to the same must be deemed as correct representation of events as they unfolded.

22:08
Dec 10, 2006
Nandanvan
Mumbai

Abhi: f*** man
Bird: cant
i am tired
Abhi: dimaag hurting
yea i wont either
Bird: my head & my body exist on different planes now
Abhi: hmm
Bird: if ranjit would’ve got the stuff yday, i think we would’ve died today
if this is what happens after booze
kya paani piya mein aaj
raanti ki tarah
Abhi: easily … our conversations wud be on .. during our journey to the otherside
wudav been interesting .. hopefully we wudnt have this ache there
Bird: yeps
do you know why i keep hearing “abhi to mein jawaan hoon” in my head?
Abhi: im not too sure .. must the same reason why i hear beedi
Bird: hmmm
atleast you get sunidhi chauhan
i get alisha chinoy, f*** i mustve had the worst of the daaru
i quit drinking as of now
no after goa i quit rinking
Bird: mask apna rape karne waala hai
Abhi: yea .. im sure it’ll be far more enjoyable than what we’re going thru now
Bird: & believe it or not, we both have the most valid reason of all for not going
i swear, mein baangd ko yehi bola…
if mask comes & stands witha shotgun to omy temple…
i’ll still puke on him
Abhi: yea well … this happens with us only i suppose
we’re the only two besharam nanguys who’ve always been on Bird Standard time and Abs Standard Time respectively
all our lives
Bird: i’ll tell mask that he decided to marry on the wrong day
Abhi: yea … and thats true too
Bird: the question is do we move to world standard time or do others move to our time?
Abhi: he couldav consulted us at least
Bird: yes
Abhi: its all his fault man
Bird: or kept his wedding at the bungalow at madh
Abhi: i think we can put the shotgun on his temple now
Bird: we’d have been there
sleeping but we’d be there
yes
Abhi: yea .. totally out of taste this .. mask … we’re gonna hunt u down for this
Bird: wrong timing & wrong venue
yes
we are
Bird: lets call mask home for this, i cant go out hunting
Abhi: yea man .. i’ll email him
u think he’d check his mail on his marriage nite?
Bird: my account is sometimes hacked by entities from other dimensions
depends
Abhi: im not sure where that came from? but if it makes u happy .. im happy for u
Bird: if his wife thinks keeping mask out on their first nite is romantic
Abhi: im not too sure mrs mask will think so
Bird: no thats was my excuse if mask ever decides to read our mail
Abhi: but if mask does … then we dont need to to shoot him afterall
Bird: she is mrs.mask
she is capapble of whatever mask is capable of
Abhi: excuse the missing dot
Bird: ok
Abhi: my head is not really on my neck today
Bird: hey mrs is a login id of my office colleague
we call him missus nowadays
Abhi: is he a she or a he?
Bird: we asked him that & he looked confused, checked his i card & confirmed that he is a he
Abhi: why does it sound like someone’s blowing a trumpet near my ear
Bird: does that mean he has posed naked for his i card foto?
its better than alisha chinay singing
sorry madam “chinoy”
Abhi: i agree .. anything is better than chinoy
Bird: she got angry & started to sing even more louder
yes, in the singing sense right
Abhi: alrite there’s gonna be two shotgun murders tonite ..
Bird: she does look attractive otherwise
or used to
we are going to commit suicides?
Abhi: careful there … u’r going the baangd way .. i think she’s 200 years old or something
Bird: if my body & my mind dies, does that mean i’ve killed 2 entities?
no man
she must be 45
Abhi: we wudnt want a second PILF hunter coming our way man
Bird: ok i am slowly becoming the baangd
Abhi: its difficult enuf handling one
Bird: yes sorry
Abhi: chal bhai ..
Bird: does alisha chinoy have a daughter then?
yo
Abhi: im off trying to neutralize my blood off IB+
Bird: gud nite
take an aspirin
Abhi: pray for me
Bird: you are going out?
Abhi: and we shall do the shooting tomorrow
Bird: dont bend
Abhi: my out for now is 2 mts across
Bird: world spins faster when the head nears the ground
Abhi: which pretty much is my length rite now
i will take that advice
Bird: plus dont look up either
Abhi: gud nite
Bird: it just proves that world really does spin that fast
Abhi: tootle .. blind man signing off
Bird: ok
Abhi: advice taken

10:40
Dec 11, 2006
Mumbai
(Early next morning …….. over email ………)

Masku: I was a disappointed not to find any of of my chaddi-buddies at my reception. I’m not going to get married again.

Abhi: A hundred million apologies masku … we (bird and me) promise to make it up to you and smriti.
We had an emergency blackout which cannot be explained here and is still no excuse i’m sure ….. we will make it up to you bhai … clean dishes, wash clothes etc. anything you tell us to do except drink daaru again (that we cannot do).

Bird: Dear Mrs. Mask & Mr. Mask,

In addition to abs’ apologies, my million apologies to you & smriti, we are ashamed of our behaviour man, in fact i came to office wearing a plastic bag on my head to hide the criminal face. And like abs said, we’ll do whatever to make it up to you & smriti, i am good at polishing shoes btw & good with children, if in the future you need help with babysitting little masks.

I know that nothing that we do will put things right, but pls do understand & apne ko maaf kar de, if possible. Tu bole to we can plan a small get together when both adit & appoo are in town, have dinner someplace.

Now that you know i am shameless can you please send accross the leftover mithai & stuff?

Once again Congratulations to Mr. & Mrs. Mask, have a happy, peaceful & prosperous life together.

Warm Regards,
Bird
(989xx xxxxx), the population of irla bridge at peak hours)

PS: Dont get married again, we are running out of excuses.

—————— dab (dab) dab ——————

We love you Mask, and wish you and Smriti all the very best in your journey ahead. Be good to wifey and don’t pull your wise cracks and bore the crap outta Smriti. And Smriti, if you’re reading this, we’re gifting you a chaabuk (whip) to whack Masku if he shells out his tall tales.

Happy marriage celebrations once again …. and yes, don’t get married again

Baangd: kaisa hai
me: full fit

Baangd: had booze last nite
now listening to rock songs and radin the guru’s advice
reading*

me: abey
i was with u boozing last nite at Alap’s
waste

Baangd: i know, i was just saying so

I’ve been accused of buying household items only to not use it enough (or at all – before this there was the portable vacuum cleaner, handy sewing machine amongst a large a list spanning 10 years), read on…

After a good deal of thought on buying a treadmill, I did buy one only to find myself not using it for all its worth. Contemplating the belief that I would indeed get those extra pounds off, the heavy task of assembling the darn thing by itself was a huge workout. Very conveniently I skipped the mill for a week (body ache post assembly was incredible, of course, that being the reason). A week later, dawned a new beginning. Yes, I stepped on the rotor of that 3HP mean machine. I walked, jogged and ran, pumped my heart beat to a max, burnt calories like i’d never done so before. It lasted whole of twenty minutes after which I decided to rest my weary legs (for a whole week). This cycle continued for a good 2 months (20 minutes of workout followed by a week of rest).

The end result … I’ve gained a decent deal of pounds post buying the treadmill, which on scale, is a difficult task to achieve, you’d expect that outta me, now won’t you (my mum thought so, and that’s the prophecy she made, makes her a genius, i think).
She’s contemplating beating me with a whip to get me thin now after her second failed attempt at pushing me into her yoga class. I would think the whip’s the right way, most of you would too.

(dab) dab (dab) ….

Last week, was the time I turned a year older (and dumber). This au contraire to the year that passed fell far short. Last year in Charlotte, Raj and gang took me to Hooters, which for obvious reasons I cannot forget. The pretties had me do ’stuff’ with balloons on top of a chair whilst they were ‘dancing’ around singing me a birthday duel.

This year was a drab, with ’stuffie’ noses and ‘dancing’ mercury dots. Yes, I fell ill just before my birthday (or bewdaday as apoo calls it). I did however meet the boys this time (missed them last time round, although I’m sure if they’d been in Hooters, I’d be the last person they’d want to wish). The drinks were on the house at CT (despite the size) and bird as usual got sloshed and began to blab about mortality. Bird was in pain that night, his wisdom tooth was coming off (or going off track, which pretty much sums up why we so affectionately call him Bird). Bangd (who earlier in the day called me up to hitch CT’s phone number, to apparently book the place for the evening??#$ … now that’s a first!) seemed to think otherwise and kept referring to Bird’s tooth as Beak. We requested Bangd to slap himself hard and sanity prevailed that night.

(dab) dab (dab) …

During our conversation with Bird, he mentioned some strange curtailed facts. He lectured us on how a certain mortality defacto struck him when he hit upon an old school snap. His exact words then were “I saw the picture and suddenly realized that we are all mortals” and also went on to add, “I don’t remember my childhood man, not a bit”. This time round we did think of throwing the convenient anti-amnesia punch-on-head (soft portion = chota dimaag) but fortunately for him, didn’t. Come to think of it (we do this a lot now), it’s true isn’t it? We remember so little of our childhood and very soon will remember only a tiny few incidents of the time we’re letting go today.
I drabbed back into my old albums to leech a few of my bacha snaps. These snaps are my own gift to me this birthday.

it always starts with a smile ….

then there are times ….

and a true classic …

… and yes Bird , i don’t remember these either …. “God, please install more memory in my next life”

Don’t think I have much to say now … maybe mum’s whip will make me run on the treadmill (or atleast out of the house).

0130 hours
April 15, 2006
Chakala, Andheri (E)

The night was brighter than usual. The moon played its share of governing the streets, waxing ahead into time. The breeze was never there like always, with the still air subtly breathing down warmth and heavy drums of moisture. Mannu and I got off the rick next to the Petrol Pump. I met him and Baangd at OnToes, Juhu a little earlier where I also came across two of Baangda’s weirdo stoned dudes (ettes?), who apparently heard about Iyer’s grinds with Security guards (No, this breed don’t ask for Blog/MSN accounts. They’re more the ’striking that dreary conversation with the sleepy souls’ breed).

Back to ground reality (or Chakala), we notice this crowd gathered around our famous Navik, LP chain. Part of the junta seemed stoned and were ambling towards transport, while a few others seemed to not know if they already stamped into one of the bars or survived the hair of a pompous blimp (they just goddamn stood there). We stretched out to seek why there was this confusion and found our Pandus (Mumbai Police) banked outside Navik, trying to woo the crowds out of the bars.

Navik, LP and the chain that exists, have been known to stay open 24/7. I recollect this incident which had me and Mannu come out of Navik at 09:30 AM one day after hitching in at 2 AM. The ‘we did this for the first time ever’ part included in this act was coming out of a bar with the sun beating down on you (and also, sleeping for 18 hours thereafter – everybody home thought I died – response to stimuli of any kind was next to nothing).

Yes, coming back to the night at Chakala … we saw Navik, LP and all it’s brother’s and sisters shuttering down (with people still inside) just so the cops get bored and go home. But the cops apparently had other ideas. We stood on the other side of the road with traffic beaming around us alongside a few dozen men, waiting for the cops to clear the shine. But it never came to be!! The pandus stood their ground like brave honest men (or maybe they ordered to-gos).

Waiting for Tullee’s never a good idea and so we hitched upon the idea of making a back door entry. We recollected one of the nites when we were escorted out of Navik (again pandu attack from the front and shutters down) from the back doors. We niftily made our way to the back road (pitch dark – not that it made a difference to me) to the exact same place where we came off that fine night and voila!! found the back door throwing light at us. We scampered in, made our way through the kitchen (still not sure which of the lined restaurants we were going to) and into the main passage area. And there we lay. We had made it in. Something told us the night was yet to begin (not figuratively).

We went upstairs en route to our favorite sitting area and were flabbed to see a pleth of lukka public standing in the aisle area waiting to be seated. Both, Mannu and me sighed Fugggg mann!! in unison. We desperately tried to scope our way to a seat and luckily (God wanted us to have good booze quick, one would think) found a couple (two gudwa gujarati’s) holding hands and sitting on the same side of a parallel four seater table. We didnt think it to be fair to pass judgement on masculinity or gender then (we were starved for drip) and so we considered sitting there. Sharing tables is common practice in Indian bars BTW and so we politely asked them if they could sit face to face, so that Mannu and me also don’t look like two Gudwa’s (Konkani and Manglorean) holdiing hands. But the love between them seemed somewhat insatiable and they refused to budge. We complied (for lack of experience in dealing with the Gujju kind under influence and in love with the same gender, with that same gender seated adjacent, bah!). Now both these guds were wearing red t’s and their faces seemed like someone’s dog gave birth to them (face only). They spoke very little but somehow we did feel the action was happening somewhere else.

So we were sitting in front of the two GGs sipping onto the spirits that called us in, when outta the blue Bobby Darling’s colonial cousin (BDCC) decides to step in. That prompted both Mannu and me to scamper for the menu and check the name of the Bar. Where the hell were we? But hell no … it was the very same Navik we raised our spirits to I would think for a better part of our teens. What in the world is happening here man? Where have all the straight boys gone? These thoughts were running down our cells when BDCC decides to come towards our two GGs (who I’m sure wanted to lap dance in turns) and asks them if they were done. Mannu and Me blast out of turn to say “We’re just getting started …” but the two items (GGs) flash their credit cards indicating 1) that we’re further doomed, 2) that BDCC has two hunks to comply with for the night, and also 3) that the GGs ought to seek a room (finally!!).

As we sat there disgruntled, God throws in a quarter of hope. BDCC’s boyfriend (or something) calls in and asks him/her to come down just as we see the GG’s bill being paid. A glimer of hope? Yes indeed!! BDCC goes down, GGs follow suit, Mannu pushes me to quickly grab the end of the table and make it our own … Voilaaa we have it all for us now!!!

We sat there … kept shooing a few standies (told em we were expecting more dudes at our table and could not lend em out .. IOW .. buz off) and drank to someone’s glory .. told each other tales from the wise man’s oak tree (the barn below the tree) and made vague funny conversation. Just as we were assuming our presence in our seats (shifting asses for support), two hefty goonies made way to our seats, sat down and tried to be polite with “I hope you don’t mind”. We did but darn it, we decided to play good samaritans and have the weary travellers sip their methods.

To describe them, the guy next to Mannu had a deep and hoarse voice (you could almost hear his lower intestines vibrate) and looked like a management guru in the Bhai world; the guy next to me, mannu says, looked like Prabhu Deva. Hell yea, and these men were the kinds who would slip out the odd Browning 9 mm and shoot someone’s head off this planet.

They were quiet most of the time, PD was pretty much into his drink while MGB was into our conversation (which neither me nor Mannu remember). After a few more rounds of drinks, we came across the most stunning of scenes to ever pass our numb skilled minds on a drowny evening. MGB and PD after a brief murmur start pointing at the waiters moving around as if to target them for a crowning glory. They then pull out a restless face and look at us. We smile thinking that the pleasing personas that Mannu and Me exhibited more than matched/countered the dark side that lay in front of us.

MGB suddenly started raising that shrill voice outta his gut. The conversation went like …

MGB: B****od apna chakna kidar mara rah hai? (where the f*** is our snack?)
PD: hmm
MGB: (looking at PD) M***od, tere G**d mein dum hai tho tod ke dikha
PD: kya bhai?
MGB: Saale dum hai kya … aata hai saala! (do you have the balls to do this?)
PD: …
MGB: abey dum hai tho fek neeche plate ko, tod de plate B***od {bloody hell, show what you’ve got, throw and break that plate}
PD: …
Mannu and Me: (looking at whiskey glass and each other)

Repeat above instance about 10-15 times ….

PD: (finally picks the plate and throws it on the floor)

(The plate bounces and falls face down)
(PD and MGB look at each other while mannu and me do the same…)

MGB: B****od glass fek (throw the damn glass, f*****)
PD: (Picks the empty glass and throws it down)
(crash bam)
(broken glass pieces all over)
(moment of silence)
..
..
(waiters scamper to the accident scene and clean the floor)
MGB: abey c*****, apney aap ko hero samajta hai kya (f*****, u think you’re some kind of a champ)
PD: ??
MGB: yeh sab c*******, apun bachpan mein kiya malum (we used to do these crazy acts when we were kids, f****)
PD: ???
MGB: Andrew ko phone karu, b******* … saala aata hai (you wasted gut, should I call Andrew?)
PD: nahi bhai, Andrew ko phone nahi karo bhai (no brother, don’t call Andrew)

This conversation went on (second loop) for about 30 minutes with the management guru bhai shouting at the top of his voice and scolding prabhu deva, while mannu and me sipped on in confused terror. All this while Mannu was on the lookout for Prabhu Deva to snap out of his gut and pour a brawn of bullets down MGB’s numb skulled blab output area. But we called in for our bill and left the action for the rest of the gang to fulfill.

Incidentally as we left, MGB came forward with the most unexpected of apologies as if to say he was out of his emotional mambo out there and wishes forgiveness from the fine men that heard his story out.

… me thinks they wanted the table for themselves …

PS: The latest on Navik, LP tells us that it is being brought down with the Mumbai Road Widening Initiatives going into gear. There goes one more memorious adda. But hell wait … was there a basement entry door?

Dedicated to my cutie friend Basanti (name changed for reason’s previously not discussed)
She comes in at the fag end of this discussion with R … hence the “taang”

R if ur reading this .. you have better things to do man …

R: what did u do? how was matheran
Me: it was good fun. still in hangover
R: haha.. i can guess u wud have boozed a lot. went with office folks? or ur outside friends
Me: have fever, cold, sore throat etc etc
R: oops.. i shld have guesed.. u wud have gone with ur “important Person”
Me: nah .. building folks + college folks. nah … everybody in my life is important man, u are important to me, basanti is important to me, k is important to me, so are r and p
R: haha.. ok ok !!
Me: although p is more important to u … frm the reports i get
R: “good escape technology”, YOU ARE GETTING WRONG REPORTS
Me: and then “counter attack”
R: I dont want to be a FOE of John Wolski !!
Me: hahaa whos John Wolski
R: P’s Boy friend.. u never heard of it?!! thats too bad !!
Me: nope
R: see.. ur Sources not giving you the right info
Me: maybe .. ur hearing what u want to hear
R: Better u make me as ur source of info .. more precise and true info will be with u
Me: usually get my info right .. i get facts
R: but not this one:)
Me: not stories, there’s a thin line between a fact and a story. but the difference is hugeee
R: ” ur hearing what u want to hear ” – holds true for u !!
Me: holds true for all of us u know what i mean now right?
R: i would rather not want to
Me: grin
R: grin
Me: kiddin re .. hows work coming along. i miss u guys man
R: I know u are kidding .. work – as usuall busy U know.. I wud rather say we are missing you!!
Me: are u guys really?
R: I was roaming a lot when u were here.. some how.. not getting to roam a lot with these folks. I cant tell abt others.. I am telling abt myself
Me: ah yea .. everyone else also tells me the same
R:
Me: i dunno why we roamed so much though
R: haha
Me: but make a new year resolution now …
R: Remembered our G’burg drive during the new year eve I have already made a resolution !!
Me: u will go out more often. doesnt matter who it is with.: there .. write it down or print it
R: haha.. I said.. i have already made a resolution
Me: hmm
R: there can be only one new year resolution
Me: there is always a provision to add more
R: my resolution was – “Not to make any new year resolution(s) ”
Me: no .. now we have upgraded the resolution system. it supports multiple entries
R: haha..
Me: ok .. so what is ur resolution.
R: I told.. better be careful not to skip my messages.. lemme repeat it again “my resolution was – “Not to make any new year resolution(s) ” ”
Me: ah .. u copy my resolutions. that’s mine this year
R: I thought u did
Me: too
R: That has been my resolution for all these years
Me: yes .. i had no resolutions earlier though. this yea i was forced into it. and so i forced meself out of it
R: haha.. !! good try !!
Me: back to work now
R: njoy!!. (atlest from this year start doing ur work properly
Me: basanti said her new yr resolution was to work harder … i gave her a “…”
R: oh.. good.. atleast now she thought that she shld work
Me: ahh … i’ll tell her u made this statement
R: I can tell that myself
Me: hahaa. do that
R: lemme copy and paste this to her
Me: i did that to her too
R: i know u r always fast
Me: in fact i told her she wont be able to comply with it. nah i didnt copy paste this convo. do it
R: done it
Me: goody .. now i’ll get gaalis.: alongside u
R: nope.. I dint not copy and paste what u said later
Me: do that too. upto this point we’ll now get strange north south combo gaalis
R: haha.. done till ur last gaali line
Me: )
R: Quote: Basanti – dont spread rumours !!. i deny ever making statements related to working harder
Me: hahaa
Basanti (to me): jobless
Me: she calls me jobless
R: of course !! any doubts?
Basanti: why do they have nickels here…we can’t use them anywhere…i have so many nickel…
Basanti: hopeless
Me: hehee cutie
Basanti: it’s not cute… i want a dollar… and all i have is nickel
Me: I’m blogging about you
Basanti: seriously…jobless

yea me thinks so too …

Apoo (low voice)

I almost gave up hope. There were so many times I questioned myself. I’ve made so many sacrifices but it’s all been worth it.

(beat)

There are millions and millions of mediocre people in the world Abhi. Isn’t it great that we aren’t one of them?
Abhi looks like he stopped breathing as he backs up in the store. Customers step between him and Apoo. Apoo becomes obscured and then blocked from view.

Out on the Street

Abhi emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.
Camera pulls back as he blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

Fade to black ………………………

Night M. Shyamalan made the stunning movie Sixth Sense and followed it up with another stunner (not many felt so though), Unbreakable. Unbreakable made its mark with a remarkable script. A script which was incredibly linear yet had unrivaled depth.

Unbreakable was about opposites. It was about the strongest and the weakest, black and white, yin and yang. The story brought out the simple fact about nature; the fact that it deals with opposites in just the same way as we inexplicably do so whilst comparing individuals, objects, art, work, skill and sometimes immeasurable entities. Yea, don’t deny it, we compare everything. Shyamalan took that simple fact and extended it to a unified basis (put them on either side of a two point scale balance) that everything exists in duality. Built a story around it. Put a weak man (a very weak man) and a strong man (a very strong man) and made a Miranda on a superhero/rapscallion.

Coming to the point of why this story comes on my blog years after the movie came out is the real question, isn’t it?

Well yea, the characters in the script-skit on top had Apoo playing Samuel L. Jackson’s character Elijah and me playing Bruce Willis’ character David Dunne. Although there’s no real way to measure opposites, some think we come pretty close to Elijah and David.

Scene: Paro, Alap and Abhi are sitting in the car parked next to the pavement opposite Sony Mony, Irla. Paro’s in the driving seat, Alap at the back and Abhi in the front next to Paro. Alap and Paro are lighting their cigarettes. Abhi’s window is up (closed).

Two brown English Cockers are walking by with their master on the pavement towards the car. One of the two dogs spots Abhi through the front windshield. The long droopy ears go up and the tail begins to wag. The dog starts to drag the master toward the car. It comes close the door and starts pawing at the door. Abhi pulls down the window. Dog’s still pawing. Abhi opens the door. Dog struggles to climb up (note: this breed has a low torso, like a Daschund), but tries all its might and comes and rests its long chin and two fore legs on Abhi’s lap. Dog then looks up at him with tilted face. Alap, Paro and Abhi all go gurly with “awee”. Alap cries out to Paro, “quick, take a snap”, but dog master pulls doggie away.

This incident’s just one of the very many incidents with dogs that I have come across in my life. They just go gaga over me for some reason. Every time I come home late from office (or from drink sessions or usually both), I get escorted by the street ruffian doggies, who otherwise thwart anybody and everybody under the sun (especially so if you’re a bhaiya and you drive a rickshaw). They jog and dance alongside me and accompany me all the way to our building main gate from the society entrance (sometimes right up to our wing entrance), and then just walk back to run after hapless bhaiyas. There have been instances with ferocious bloodthirsty canines rippling up around me and sobering down their teeth and claws to sit meekly by my feet. My visit to the US also had firang doggies skip a breath when they’d sniff/spot me. They’d run up to me and start drooling over visible skin portions. It’s just incredibly amazing to experience something in this super affection scale.

I won’t go into stories that describe Apoo’s misfalls on the other side of this scale balance, (we all know about them already). Is it fair to say that Apoo and me fall in this amassing scale of opposites?

If yes then Apoo, here’s a note for you. You don’t have to search for the opposite side of You and in the very process, destroy a lot of innocent beagles by fending them off to the hungriest of canines. Don’t do that, you know where I stay (bang opposite your door man).

PS: I also need your comic book collection (or wait, did I dhaap them already?)

This is the story, of a boy named Apoorva Joshi.
This boy played good fair cricket
Mastered the art of swing bowling when he was very young
Soon became the captain of Nandanvan Cricket Board
His passion and love for the sport bore no bounds

Apoo was a class apart
He wore his favourite chadds and hit the grounds
He made sure he gave everything to his team
Including his peculiar bowling style
(for the rest of the world to laugh, most would agree)
But it was cute nevertheless

So what was this famous style that carried words and sentences to mighty distances?
Why was it so special that every team in the block wanted to play with us?
(not because we lost so often, we’re sure)
Why was it that we had sugandi devi’s chillar pillar coming over to witness this wonder?
Why was it that audiences from across the border were onlookers for this wondrous nature’s yell?

Well hell yea … our boy Apoorva Joshi had the style …
His bowling style dictated amassing auras of chronic nature’s calls
Apoo would start with a normal run-up, pass the umpire and head towards the crease
And then would exhibit the most natural of stances a doggie would take when he’s gotta leak

Yes, Apoo does a doggie pee
He gets his leg up and pauses for a century
God knows why it stays for so long
Ah well, I figure it’s for me to blog on

There are no two words to describe this call
The batsman’s wondering where’s the ball
The keeper, his fielders are waiting so
But Apoo, well he won’t let go

God, there were times when we were playing underarm cricket and we thought Apoo would still get that leg up … We used to think we didn’t water the pitch enough and Apoo was showing his noble gestures.

His legs went up we thought he’d spray
But we knew one day he had to pray

I know this brings the same amount of joy and glee as any other Apoo bashing story.

But trust me … you had to be there … maybe we’ll make him bowl/spray for us again though.

An Ode to Apoo

Doggie: Worf …
Doggie: worf …
Doggie: rrowww brrrowww
Apoo: arrghhh …
Apoo: huff …
Apoo: huff …
Sound effects: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
Aunty 2: Sorry
Apoo: poink … (getting up and falling back down on butt)
Doggie: rrrowww … rrooowww …
Doggie: Karchhh .. arrrhhhg … broowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Apoo: huff …. Huff
(10 second silence)
Junta: moohahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Junta: bruhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Long long time ago, on the pavements of S.V Road, opposite Happy Restaurant next to macho age old mochi waala (Nandanvan’s family cobbler) and Spenta/Yankee Doodle (now Brrrista), we came upon this famed legend known to most brethren world over, Apoo and his fear for canines.

the story …

For reasons known only to a few, we were incredibly religious back in our teens. We religiously followed up on the practice of eating Prasad at the Hanuman Mandir (temple) every day after play. And this one day was no exception. This legendary misfortune to the one, came about as one of the most hilarious of live events in the amassing scale of our nanguys journals (the monkey incident was pre-planned … bakshi, pals and the monkey had ties … some say. And besides farro and me were hapless but unhurt victims there. Hence we may not deem them to be hilarious).

So we go for our rounds around the temple and the deity, finish with the same and proceed towards Prasad, pick, eat, wear our footwear and move towards home. This journey back home, which usually lasts about 10 mins of slow walking, took Apoo precisely 15 seconds of extreme scuttling.

Lets flash back to the set of events that unfolded … as was … no cookups … some may argue on the minor detailing going here … but the essence of the story remains, I say …

Scene: Bakshi and Anna (weird combination, I know) are leading the pack after a successful mission at the temple. A group of 7-8 lookhas almost walking in a bunch is what it looks like to the common man (not visually impaired). Bird is still hooked onto his recurring dream of jumping out of his balcony, I am busy beating up Pals, Farro’s combing his hair, Apoo is in the midst doing nothing (little did he know that he would be in the thick of things). Mask and Dada are as usual and contemplating defeating each other in carrom by gassing each other out. Sthalu is trying to help me beat Pals up, but instead is getting the brunt of the shelling from Pals’ recently acquired Taekwondo skills. There is a Fiat (Premiere Padmini) parked besides the macho age old mochi walla (important point).

This lady (Aunty 1) is walking her white Gujarati Pomeranian on that same road. And as innate and ordered chaos prevails, it spots Apoo not doing much (Anna and Bakshi are also not doing a great deal, but for some reason doggie chooses to spare them … and besides you can’t really picture them being at the receiving end by a doggie). And the dog charges at Apoo. Our jhund (group), almost as though planned to act, vaccumizes the space around Apoo with the primary intention of making the line of sight clear (assuming the doggie had already smelt his victim) for the doggie. The rest is history!!

It took us a whole week to stop cracking up on the issue (till we found someone else to crap on, I think).

The funny part now in pseudo code form:

1: Doggie smells Apoo
2: Apoo feels doggie’s presence
3: Group feels tension and expands to form a circle around Apoo
4: Doggie spots Apoo
5: Apoo spots doggie (and blood and gore and teeth and claws and other elements)
6: Doggie charges at Apoo
7: Apoo runs
8: Doggie wanna hurt Apoo
9: Apoo no wanna be hurt
10: Doggie lets loose of leash
11: Aunty 1 shouts “no doggie (use doggie name instead)”
12: Doggie no listen
13: Aunty 1 says “don’t run, he will bite”
14: Apoo: “yea rite … pant huff”
15: Doggie: “Worf … worf”
16. Group: “harhaharrr”
17: Apoo runs toward macho age old mochi walla (on the pavement)
18. Aunty 2 in Fiat opens door to step out of car
19: Apoo hits car door
20: Budoosh digdradaadam dooosh …
21. Doggie still wanna hurt Apoo
22. Apoo still don’t wanna be hurt by doggie
23. Aunty 2: “sorry”
24: Apoo gets up faster than anything/one has ever done so
25: Doggie no empathize
26: Doggie almost rips into Apoo
27: Apoo runs across cars and traffic, reaches Vishnu Baug gate and disappears
28: Doggie punches paws on ground
29: Group still on floor laughing off each other’s asses
30: Doggie comes back to owner and starts the walk all over again.
31: No sign of Apoo for 2 days
32: Group still on floor, 7 days from the date of the event

My gift to Apoo before I left Charlotte (although this doesn’t look anywhere close to what that Gujju doggie looked like)

Why this gift (note: the doggie here is doing pee-pee) was apt for Apoo is a different story altogether … I’ll only post the same if Apoo permits me to do so.

Back in Mumbai … aaaah the sweet smell of home …

more … soon … still waiting for one bag to come from Amsterdam … sob

I know this has been long due here, I put my posts on Ryze and just slipped across with work … so anyways, here goes …

For those who don’t know her (or for that matter, this particular case). Rashmi is the editor and publisher of JAM magazine and she (her mag actually) recently exposed IIPM’s “tall claims” (online version). She’s had a blog which she’s been running for a very long time and she also has linked in to this case with “Lies, damned lies and fake blogs”.

The story that’s unfolded ever since has been nothing short of entertaining. With IIPM students barging up on her and throwing nasty personal attacks to which we found her blog followers to respond and go beyond just defending her. It’s been chaotic and defined entertainment to some.

As these snapshot of events unfolded, Gaurav Sabnis an IIM grad working with IBM (and doing fantastically well there, I’m told), linked one of Rashmi’s articles on his personal blog and unfortunately invited upon himself a legal notice alongside Rashmi (and JAM).

Blogrolling can sometimes be dangerous … but Gaurav’s a cool and smart dude … he laughs on to this episode

Gaurav BTW quit his job at IBM for the simple reason that IIPM threatened the Lenovo/IBM management to burn all their Thinkpad Lappies in front of the IBM Delhi office. Now how childish is that?

Gaurav quit despite the fact that his employers were never in favour of the same. He just didn’t want IBM’s well being and good name taking the wrong turn for the wrong reasons.

Salutes to you Gaurav … (although some would call his decision rash … I perfectly concur with him)

His last line in that post, marks his stand and portrays his character right thru’ “Remember, truth never hurts those who are right”

And don’t worry bout him getting a new job. He’s IIM (and not II..)

Do read thru Rashmi’s post … some of the comments are hilarious … although some slam her down like crazy too … this entire episode cracks me up and also says so much? (no pun intended) about IIPM. It surely is their reaction that’s putting them down even further.

I know this should have been put long back, I’ve been terribly pressed for work. But, I want one of my own lawsuits too man.

Anyways, I don’t mean to ridicule anyone here (I may not have all the facts) but the reactions say it all.

ADDITIONS:

CNB’s blog – http://www.livejournal.com/users/freegeek/159378.html

Ketan Pandit’s Blog – http://aloud-thinking.blogspot.com

Satish Vijaykumar’s Blog - http://www.bombaylives.blogspot.com

Sambhar Mafia’s Blog – http://sambharmafia.blogspot.com


UPDATES:

IIPM’s Ads:
http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-1163051,curpg-1.cms

And another blogger slapped legal summons by IIPM:
http://absurdiav.blogspot.com/2005/10/yet-another-legal-notice.html

NDTV to cover??:
http://www.desipundit.com/2005/10/13/ndtv-to-cover-iipm-fracas-tonight/

Article on NDTV:
http://www.ndtv.com/morenews/showmorestory.asp?category…

Hilarious Spam Blog:
http://weloveiipm.blogspot.com/

DNA coverage:
http://dnaindia.com/report.asp?NewsID=6136&CatID=5

Sambhar Mafia’s update

Puneet accuses IIPM of spamming Google, Yahoo and MSN search engines. He also has screenshots to prove his claim

Arzan probes about IIPM’s Toronto connection and Belgian alliance. Curious Gawker also manages to throw some light on the web of alliances surrounding IMI.

Kiruba designs some “Support Buttons” for us to show our support for Gaurav and Rashmi