Statue of Puberty

Our kids (in particular, the Ghoshs, the Iyers, the Kunders, Mehtas, Manniges, Palanys, Yederys, Raos, Joshis, Nadkarnis, Mathurs, Tanks) would one day exhibit a part of our genome (time to go woohoo) when their nursery rhymes go like …

Iyer’s kid
twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder how you are
up above the world so high
appa amma in the sky
yeh jo chaand hai na ….

Alap’s kid
johnny johnny
yes papa
eating sugar
no papa
telling lies
no papa
open your mouth
go F#*$ yourself

Baangd’s kid
mary had a little lamb
little lamb, little lamb
mary had a little lamb
to kya mein naachu?
daaad, i want busta rhymes

Mannu’s kid
Baa, baa black sheep
Have you any food
Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full
Sahi hai Sahi hai
Ma, i’m hungry, gimme thepla and undhio

Andy’s kid
Row, row, row your boat
Gently Down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.
I will still not tell Krupal’s kid
ki woh roti kyu khaata hai

Abhi’s kid
London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
London Bridge is falling down,
Lamba story hai, baadmein batayega

Paro’s kid
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
I willin’t tell you what happened afterwards

Bird’s kid
This old man, he played one;
He played knick-knack on my thumb.
With a knick-knack, paddy whack,
This old man, hey he’s my own dad.

Apoo’s kid
A B C D E F G
H I J K Let me go pee
Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O,
Now I know my ABCs

Pully’s kid
Ring-a-ring o’roses
A pocket full of posies,
Atishoo! Atishoo!
We all fall down.
This is not helping me Pa
Can i please study for my SATs

Harshal’s kid
Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
AMD struck one
Intel struck nine
Hickory, dickory, dock
I want to clock my block

Alpu’s kid
Spiderman, Spiderman
Friendly neighbourhood Spiderman
(Interrupted by Dad)
“That’s not a Nursery Rhyme”
I know dad, I was teasing

Pals’ kid
Humpty Dumpty
Sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty
Had a great fall
Waaaaaaah Waaaaaah
MuuuhMeeeeee

Krupal’s kid
I’m a little teapot
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is my spout
When I get all steamed up
Hear me shout
I sound like my daddy
and bloj in my shorts

This post attempts to illustrate the choices made by us and their inherited follies. With that knowledge in order, it may also hurt sentiments of all those mentioned above and also turn nasty with riot bombs being hurled towards me by respective spouses. Worry not, coz I promise to bring their genome pools into a fresh batch of Nursery Rhymes as well. I sure can wait till everyone above ties the knot.

Also a third version will be created, which will have a mix-match of the husband-wife combined gene pool and direct attempts to assassinate their characters is quite obviously imminent.

Disclaimer: If any of the above families feel the need to dispute on the Rhyme selected and it’s inherited style, they may do so by actually procreating (usually takes nine months and a couple of years at least for the first few words to pop out) thereby proving that their respective kid sings the rhyme differently. All qualms of suing me will be taken in light spirit with mixing agents like cola or soda to be consumed at Alap’s place.

I would also like to invite you all to post alternatives to the above Rhymes in the comments section below, in true spirit, exhibiting all possible characteristics of the aforementioned (including me) with no qualms on holding back on assassination attempts.

Apoo (low voice)

I almost gave up hope. There were so many times I questioned myself. I’ve made so many sacrifices but it’s all been worth it.

(beat)

There are millions and millions of mediocre people in the world Abhi. Isn’t it great that we aren’t one of them?
Abhi looks like he stopped breathing as he backs up in the store. Customers step between him and Apoo. Apoo becomes obscured and then blocked from view.

Out on the Street

Abhi emerges from the store slowly. He braces himself against a parked car and then keeps on walking in a nightmarish daze.
Camera pulls back as he blends in with dozens and dozens of ordinary people, walking on an ordinary street, in an ordinary city.

Fade to black ………………………

Night M. Shyamalan made the stunning movie Sixth Sense and followed it up with another stunner (not many felt so though), Unbreakable. Unbreakable made its mark with a remarkable script. A script which was incredibly linear yet had unrivaled depth.

Unbreakable was about opposites. It was about the strongest and the weakest, black and white, yin and yang. The story brought out the simple fact about nature; the fact that it deals with opposites in just the same way as we inexplicably do so whilst comparing individuals, objects, art, work, skill and sometimes immeasurable entities. Yea, don’t deny it, we compare everything. Shyamalan took that simple fact and extended it to a unified basis (put them on either side of a two point scale balance) that everything exists in duality. Built a story around it. Put a weak man (a very weak man) and a strong man (a very strong man) and made a Miranda on a superhero/rapscallion.

Coming to the point of why this story comes on my blog years after the movie came out is the real question, isn’t it?

Well yea, the characters in the script-skit on top had Apoo playing Samuel L. Jackson’s character Elijah and me playing Bruce Willis’ character David Dunne. Although there’s no real way to measure opposites, some think we come pretty close to Elijah and David.

Scene: Paro, Alap and Abhi are sitting in the car parked next to the pavement opposite Sony Mony, Irla. Paro’s in the driving seat, Alap at the back and Abhi in the front next to Paro. Alap and Paro are lighting their cigarettes. Abhi’s window is up (closed).

Two brown English Cockers are walking by with their master on the pavement towards the car. One of the two dogs spots Abhi through the front windshield. The long droopy ears go up and the tail begins to wag. The dog starts to drag the master toward the car. It comes close the door and starts pawing at the door. Abhi pulls down the window. Dog’s still pawing. Abhi opens the door. Dog struggles to climb up (note: this breed has a low torso, like a Daschund), but tries all its might and comes and rests its long chin and two fore legs on Abhi’s lap. Dog then looks up at him with tilted face. Alap, Paro and Abhi all go gurly with “awee”. Alap cries out to Paro, “quick, take a snap”, but dog master pulls doggie away.

This incident’s just one of the very many incidents with dogs that I have come across in my life. They just go gaga over me for some reason. Every time I come home late from office (or from drink sessions or usually both), I get escorted by the street ruffian doggies, who otherwise thwart anybody and everybody under the sun (especially so if you’re a bhaiya and you drive a rickshaw). They jog and dance alongside me and accompany me all the way to our building main gate from the society entrance (sometimes right up to our wing entrance), and then just walk back to run after hapless bhaiyas. There have been instances with ferocious bloodthirsty canines rippling up around me and sobering down their teeth and claws to sit meekly by my feet. My visit to the US also had firang doggies skip a breath when they’d sniff/spot me. They’d run up to me and start drooling over visible skin portions. It’s just incredibly amazing to experience something in this super affection scale.

I won’t go into stories that describe Apoo’s misfalls on the other side of this scale balance, (we all know about them already). Is it fair to say that Apoo and me fall in this amassing scale of opposites?

If yes then Apoo, here’s a note for you. You don’t have to search for the opposite side of You and in the very process, destroy a lot of innocent beagles by fending them off to the hungriest of canines. Don’t do that, you know where I stay (bang opposite your door man).

PS: I also need your comic book collection (or wait, did I dhaap them already?)

Bewa aka Paro aka Paras (Note: Paras is not plural for Paro)’s guju hiphop song with sub titles

Parag Gandhi (a guju dude in his office) … comes and tells him,
“Paras chal lets write a guju hiphop .. I give u a tune” .. and he goes “su kare che aatu su kare che .. su kare che aatu su kare che”

Paro had the pen hai? expression on his face at first .. and then he thought he’d give it a thought just to see what comes about …

… and this is what Paro came up with …

su kare che aa tu su kare che (what u doin hey man what u doin?),
parag ni baaju maa besi aatu su kare che(sittin next to parag dude waht u doin?),

su kare che aa tu su kare che (what u doin hey man what u doin?),
parag ni baaju maa besi aatu su kare che(sittin next to parag dude waht u doin?),

parag che ch***yo, dekhave bhootyo( parag is his mothors first born child, looks like a ghost),
shahrukh ni copy karta eeno land je tutiyo(immitating shahrukh, he broke his dick)

pachi su??(en what??)

pachi toh salo gay thai gayo che(en hes become a gay),
gaaaandu .. bi thai gayo che(mad … hes become a bi)

chokraoo ne pherve (dates all his guy friends),
chokri ne puche .. ben aani recipe su che?(asks all his female friends … sister cud u share this recipe with me please?)

su kare che aa tu su kare che (what u doin hey man what u doin?),
parag ni baaju maa besi aatu su kare che(sittin next to parag dude waht u doin?),

eena daddy toh hairam, mom che pareshan (his daddy is shocked, his mom is tensed)
bhai ben nu toh khabar nahi pan purush mitr bole .. aaiii parag aaviyo run!!(dont know bout his bro n sis but his male friends say .. ohh parags coming run),

su kare che aa tu su kare che (what u doin hey man what u doin?),
parag ni baaju maa besi aatu su kare che(sittin next to parag dude waht u doin?).

roaking gaan Paro … you roak bhai …