Statue of Puberty

This one’s a venting spell for the the great Ayrton Senna (Mclaren) who was leading the 1993 Japanese GP and was about to lap debutant Eddie Irvine (Jordan). Irvine was fighting for position with Damon Hill. Senna overtook Irvine first and slowed a little when no further overtaking was possible with Hill. In the mean time, Irvine (a backmarker, and a lap down on Senna) again overtakes Senna and duties a lot of stunts. Senna’s wild!!

Post race:
Senna’s sitting with Gerhard Berger sipping on to Schnapps when suddenly he decided to pay dutiful visit to the Jordan camp.

The following is a transcript of that now infamous event …

The scene: Irvine is in his cabin. Jordan’s manager, Rubens Barichello (Senna’s favorite BTW) and several others are present there. Ayrton Senna alongside the director of communications for McLaren and his team engineer walk into the room. Senna looks around for Irvine, but he seems to not recognize him. Irvine (as if knowing he’s come to visit him) raises his hand …

Irvine : Here!

Senna : What the **** do you think you were doing?
Irvine : I was racing!
Senna : You were racing? Do you know the rule that you’re supposed to let the leaders come by when you’re a back marker?
Irvine : If you were going fast enough, it was no problem.
Senna : I overtook you! And you went three times off the road in front of me, at the same place, like ****ing idiot, where there was oil. And you were throwing stones and all things in front of me for three laps. When I took you, you realised I was ahead of you. And when I came up behind Hill, because he was on slicks and in difficulties, you should have stayed behind me. You took a very big risk to put me out of the race.
Irvine : Where did I put you in any danger?
Senna : You didn’t put me in any danger?
Irvine : Did I touch you? Did I touch you once?
Senna : No, but you were that much from touching me, and I happened to be the ****ing leader. I HAPPENED TO BE THE ****ING LEADER!
Irvine : A miss is as good as a mile.
Senna : I tell you something. If you don’t behave properly in the next event, you can just rethink what you do. I can guarantee you that.
Irvine : The stewards said “No problem. Nothing was wrong.”
Senna : Yeah? You wait till Australia. You wait till Australia, when the stewards will talk to you. Then you tell me if they tell you this.
Irvine : Hey, I’m out there to do the best for me.
Senna : This is not correct. You want to do well. I understand, because I’ve been there I understand. But it’s very unprofessional. If you are a back marker, because you happen to be lapped …
Irvine : But I would have followed you if you’d overtaken Hill!
Senna : You should let the leader go by …
Irvine : I understand that fully!
Senna : … and not come by and do the things you did. You nearly hit Hill in front of me three times, because I saw, and I could of collected you and him as a result, and that’s not the way to do that.
Irvine : But I’m racing! I’m racing! You just happened to …
Senna : You’re not racing! You’re driving like a ****ing idiot. You’re not a racing driver, you’re a ****ing idiot!
Irvine: You talk, you talk. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Senna : I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Irvine : Yes. I was battling with Hill.
Senna : Really? Really? Just tell me one thing. Who is supposed to have the call? You, or the leader of the race who comes through to lap you?
Irvine : The leader of the race.
Senna : So what have you done?
Irvine : You, you were too slow, and I had to overtake you to try to get at Hill.
Senna : Really? How did I lap you if I was too slow?
Irvine : Rain. Because on slicks you were quicker than me, on wets you weren’t.
Senna : Really? Really? How did I come and overtake you on wets?
Irvine : Huh?
Senna : How come I overtook you on wets?
Irvine : I can’t remember that. I don’t actually remember the race.
Senna : Exactly. Because you are not competent enough to remember. That’s how it goes you know.
Irvine : Fair enough. Fair enough. That’s what you think.
Senna : You be careful guy.
Irvine : I will. I’ll watch out for you.
Senna : You’re gonna have problems not with me only, but with lots of other guys, also the FIA.
Irvine : Yeah?
Senna : You bet.
Irvine : Yeah? Good.
Senna : Yeah? It’s good to know that.
Irvine : See you out there.
Senna : It’s good to know that.
Irvine : See you out there …

Appearing to turn away Senna then turns back and hits Irvine with his left hand. The blow lands on the right side of Irvine’s head. Irvine loses his balance and falls off the table. Senna is still shouting as he is hustled towards the door.

Irvine yells “Insurance claim there!”
Senna (leaving) retorts “You got to learn to respect where you’re going wrong!”

And people say Schumi used to be rash?

Both are legends to me anyways … and after Kimi’s run yesterday … mannn … we have one more in the making …

In a bizarre turn of events, the selection committee named God as India’s next probable captain. After serious deliberations on the current hotchpotch between Greg Chappell and Saurav Ganguly, the committee unanimously echoed a truce and waved white flags (released ‘white’ doves on both sides etc.) and decided to suspend the latter‘s team credit cards (so no more “assumed private visits” to Nagma land for Dada, unless he gets hooked onto a TV commercial OR is funded by his wife). Mr. Chappell was also allowed to continue with due warning that he could no longer send emails to anyone on the board (despite the fact that he had nothing to do with the email leak, tells a lot about our management and their technology skills). A system admin will now monitor all outbound mails coming from Chappell’s account(s).

In a separate incident, the Bureau of Prevention and Detection of Email Forwards reprimanded the Chairman of BCCI, Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya and remitted him to Delhi Cyber Crime Squad (yes it exists!!). The news on air was that Mr. Dalmiya apparently was pleading not guilty with due claims of a crude-techno-psychological gumball that has apparently been inside his head for the better part of his life. This, to his defense will mean that he was not thinking when he hit the forward button (that also explains a better part of what he’s been doing all this time in the Cricketing world). Some other reports say that he has always been a spammer, with members of the board getting his chain mails (”Click this link to earn $100000″, “Click here to visit Tarannum” and the likes).

Moving ahead … with the Dada b/s (versus) Chappell news flowing all over bangla channels and newspapers. Despite this, West Bengal was surprisingly quiet and sobered down with only incidents spanning burning down of Chappell effigies/pictures, stone throwing at the Australian Consulate and some Anglo-Indian homes (apparently they’re still clueless where Chappell came from), some morchas (processions) with “Chaulbe Na” (This Won’t Do) cries and banners.

By the bay, if anybun baunts to join the morcha, do note down the timings: Breakfaast – 10:00 AM to 11:00 AM followed by the briefing on how to auppear busy. Then lunch at 12:00 PM followed by the 3 hour nap. Restart the morcha at 3:00 PM and shut down shop at 4:00 to retire for the day. Contact anybun in the city for this info, he/she bill know bhere the next session will be. There aupparently is a bangla bebsite for searching, seeking and aupplying for these morchas. The pre-requisites to aupply include the phonetic adjustment and usage of “b” instead of “v” in daily diction and the aubility to eat liquids or at least claim that you eat it and not drink it.

(I’ve always wondered this one thing bout Bongs. Bengal must have come about as a direct result of their inability/reluctance to pronounce “V”. So was Bengal originally Vengal?). Anyways, coming back to the topic and point, Kolkata is relatively mild mannered in this entire fiasco. It’s lazed chaotic morchas, stone throwing, and effigy burning as usual in Bengal.

Of course, with news of the truce hitting the air (and all Bangla channels) things have gone back to where it was originally (i.e. lazed chaotic morchas, stone throwing, and effigy burning as it usually is in Bengal)

As for why God was being speculated as the next Indian captain, well it goes without saying … only He can save us now. The team’s been playing crappy all this time anyways. Now we have a coach, a captain and their unmarked love for each other, which we all know for sure is gonna further pull down the psyche of this already hurried up team. With whackos like Harbhajan Singh, who BTW doesn’t know his mother from his dog (harsh words used by my boss thrown at Manish JP – our network admin – these words still remain fresh in my head for some reason) and Ashish Nehra, who quite frankly is a true waste of talent and his own time (and he stands as his own culprit and admits it too, yes he’s gonna tell us that he’s stupid … Oh wait … he’s injured again, slipped in the bath and broke his collar bone .. I guess next time then). Both these “items” have time and again shown that their wonderful skills on the ground have always gone hand-in-hand (or mouth) with their fouled mouths. Learn to respect your team you nitwits, and that’s a sincere request.

Dravid is the pauper in this entire ordeal and he will soon unfortunately take over the role of India’s “scapegoat” for all bashing. But I still maintain, give God a chance to lead.

God save these men and Indian cricket

PS: On second thoughts, maybe we should put Dalmiya in the bootcamp and make him lead the team as punishment to his spam/chain mail. Ganguly anyways didnt really perform. Isn’t too much different from this person who doesn’t know which side of the bat to hold while batting. And plus we won’t have no spam nomore from this dude eh, ain’t that something!!